In a bold move that has baffled financial experts and casual shoppers alike, Big Lots has announced its decision to sell itself to save itself, engaging in a partnership with the retail equivalent of the Ghostbusters. The discount home goods retailer made the shocking revelation Friday, revealing that it will be offloading its stores, distribution centers, and even its intellectual property to the not-so-supernatural Gordon Brothers Retail Partners. In a press conference surrounded by inflatable lawn flamingos and precariously stacked discount furniture, the company proclaimed its intentions to “haunt” the retail landscape while retaining the Big Lots brand. “We realized that if we’re going to continue to exist in this gig economy, you have to be willing to ghost your own brand,” said a spokesperson for Big Lots, who was dressed in a full ghost costume complete with a bed sheet and eye holes. “It’s either that or go full-on ‘Haunted Mansion’ and scare away our customers. We decided to shake up the model a bit.” Enter Variety Wholesalers, the soon-to-be proud owners of 200–400 Big Lots locations and two distribution centers. Rumor has it that they plan to keep the eerie ambiance alive by employing a mix of former Big Lots employees and professional ghost hunters. “We're committed to keeping the job creeps alive,” said the CEO of Variety Wholesalers, who was spotted surrounded by mischievous spirits resembling former Big Lots cashiers. “Our aim is to maintain the unique shopping experience where every purchase feels like a specter following you home.” With the new arrangement, customers can expect to see Big Lots operating under the same name, but perhaps with a few ghostly twists. Jonathan Specter, a local shopper, expressed enthusiasm about shopping at Big Lots: “I can’t wait to tell my friends I bought a couch that’s… haunted by savings!” he exclaimed, immediately leaving the store with several decorative items that inexplicably blinked when he walked by. The deal’s validity hinges on rumors that Gordon Brothers Retail Partners managed to conjure a few spirit contracts that allowed Big Lots to maintain its reputation while shaking hands from the other side. “It’s a win-win for everyone!” declared a ghostly figure who identified themselves only as “The Phantom of Retail Past.” “Retail apocalypse? More like retail spectralpocalypse! The more, the merrier! We can fill the shelves with ghoulish bargains!” As financial analysts tune in, fluctuating stocks hit the trading floor like an old wooden ghost ship, and assorted spiritualists inundate media outlets with hot takes on the afterlife of retail. Speculators suggest that if successful, this model could revolutionize the industry, potentially leading to a slew of haunted shopping experiences everywhere, where seasonal discounts are announced by eerie moans echoing through discount aisles. In the end, as Big Lots successfully transitions into a “frightfully fun” entity amid a chorus of spectral encouragement, the retail world holds its breath. Will the shopping experience truly become an affair with the uncanny? Or merely an impressive marketing gimmick? Only time will tell—preferably not from beyond the grave.