In a shocking turn of events, President Biden has issued what some are calling the "Clemency-palooza," a grand bazaar of judicial mercy that has granted freedom to nearly 1,500 Americans in one fell swoop. The White House released a statement Thursday, revealing that the president has decided that the best way to ensure a healthy and safe pandemic recovery is to throw open the prison doors and let the formerly confined roam free. “This is what we call a ‘pandemic upgrade,’” Biden reportedly said while mixing a cocktail of apple juice and political ambition. “If you can survive a year of Zoom meetings and sourdough starters, you deserve a second chance!” Among those receiving the coveted pardons were a hefty portion of individuals who had been living in luxurious home confinement during the pandemic—many of whom have become avid fans of daytime TV, artisan bread baking, and binge-watching entire seasons of their favorite crime dramas, undoubtedly learning more about the law than they ever did in the slammer. Critics of the decision, meanwhile, have been quick to point out that some of those pardoned were convicted for nonviolent crimes, including the ever-controversial act of possessing marijuana. Said one outraged pundit, “Why reward pizza delivery drivers who happen to also be part-time weed aficionados? Where’s the justice for those who simply delivered the pizza and took their pizza rolls too seriously?” Biden’s clemency initiative drew widespread support from various circles, with some celebrating the move as a decisive step toward criminal justice reform. Others, however, decried it as “a flash mob of forgiveness,” insisting that the only thing they want to see unleashed from confinement are their local beer gardens. To celebrate this landmark decision, the White House plans to host a “Clemency Festival,” complete with live music, food trucks, and a petting zoo featuring animals named after famous nonviolent offenders. Attendees are encouraged to bring their own handcuffs and a sense of humor. Meanwhile, Biden has already started outlining his next initiative: “Felon-Free Fridays,” where every week, anyone who has committed a nonviolent crime can walk into the Oval Office, declare their freedom, and be issued a complimentary T-shirt that reads, “I survived Home Confinement and All I Got Was This Lousy Tee.” In the blink of an eye, America is about to witness a generation of ex-inmates become TikTok influencers, vying for likes, shares, and, perhaps, an approve-all policy on past misdemeanors from the federal government. “Let freedom ring,” Biden declared from the balcony of the White House, while crafting his next executive order, possibly titled, “The Return of the Party Animals.” The nation can only wait to see what new delight the president has in store, as they cheer on their newly freed compatriots navigating a world of unexpected liberties, wearing mask-free smiles and freedom bracelets.