BENGALURU (Sacred Cow Press) - Bengaluru’s tech moguls are clamoring for a chai (that is Indian for tea, for the uninformed) with government officials, as they attempt to curry favor in a competitive world rife with censorship, bureaucratic backlogs, and a staunch refusal to back any new ventures without a brown-envelope under the table. As these meetings unfold under cover of darkness, or at very least behind the façade of a busy hipster coffee shop (chai shops have been largely deemed too grimy for the tech elite), desperate company owners try to explain their cutting-edge technology and eye-watering investment potential with a single "chai pe charcha" – meaning, "a discussion over tea," though many would prefer calling it "a blatant act of bribery." Disappointed with the government's efforts to reform bureaucratic red tape, new startup owners have been left with no choice but to resort to extreme platitudes and begging in some tragic cases, in their no-holds-barred quest to succeed. It has even become a kind of chai-bribe arms race, with different startups vying for the most potent cup of their tea-based weapon of choice. The most sought-after concoctions now include a sprinkle of crushed unicorn horn, the laughter of baby pandas, and the essence of Elon Musk which, according to dubious sources, does wonders for achieving lucid dreams and “galactic vibes.” A top Bengaluru official, who wishes to remain anonymous, recently told Sacred Cow Press: “I have a particular penchant for Elon Musk-infused chai, as it makes me feel much more visionary and innovative. It helps me approve new projects without even reading their proposal, or at least not intentionally.” Such is the desperation to be noticed during these illicit "chai pe charcha" meetings, that one tech firm owner confessed to kidnapping the official's pet golden retriever and disguising it as his personal chauffeur, just to get a foot in the door. "But don't worry," he added, "the dog actually knew how to drive." In response to these secretive tea parties, one senior official has suggested Bengaluru startups just give up the façade and “bribe officials the old-fashioned way” – with a nice suitcase full of cash, rather than forcing these chai-filled discussions with people who, let’s be honest, would rather just be home with the golden retriever chauffeur. Despite all the lobbying and surreptitious tea-drinking, it is unclear whether any progress is being made. Meanwhile, India’s beleaguered startup community is planning to partner with chai producers to create the perfect blend of cha(ipot) and economic subterfuge, dreaming not only of a stronger tea, but also fewer officials to sip with. Sacred Cow Press remains committed to tracking developments in the city's dive-bombing startup scene, as well as ensuring that chai recipes are approved by Elon Musk and our own galaxy-bound visionary dreams.