Bayern Munich's Harry Kane Puts Leverkusen in a Bind: ‘Kane’t Believe It’s Not Butter!’ In what can only be described as a masterclass in “How to Wreak Havoc and Still Make it Look Easy,” Bayern Munich steamrolled over 10-man Bayer Leverkusen in the first leg of their Champions League tie, leaving fans wondering if they should prepare for a tornado or just the full force of Harry Kane. The evening kicked off with Kane, freshly updated to version 31.0, scoring faster than you can say “transfer market.” Leverkusen fans must have thought they’d tuned into an episode of “Bayern’s Got Talent” as Kane showcased his top-tier skills, leaving defenders flailing like children playing tag at recess. The only thing more slippery than Bayern’s relentless attack was the whey-based spread that Kane humorously referenced post-match: “I can’t believe it’s not butter! I mean, just look at my game today!” Things only got murkier for Leverkusen when their goalkeeper, Matej Kovar, decided to treat the ball like a hot potato, paving the way for Jamal Musiala to score Bayern’s second. Theater directors everywhere are taking notes on how easily a slip-up can turn into a standing ovation—Kovar’s blunder was worthy of a tragic play as he starred in “Goalkeepers Can’t Handle the Pressure.” The drama reached a crescendo as Nordi Mukiele collected his second yellow card, thus earning a longer vacation than most footballers see in a season. "I thought it was just a friendly opinion on his performance," said an exasperated Leverkusen coach. His team, now down to 10 men and two goals down, looked more beaten than an eggshell on a breakfast table. Rumors are circulating that Kane, after recording his 31st goal of the season, received a call from the local bakery offering him a sponsorship deal for their new line of products, “Kane’s Creamy Confections.” Kane, however, turned it down, saying, “I’m more of a ‘score goals, not pastries’ kind of guy.” As the final whistle blew, fans in the arena were left to contemplate whether they had witnessed a professional football match or an avant-garde production of Shakespeare featuring world-class drama and comedy. Given the scoreline, we can only assume that the second leg will require a magician's wand—or maybe just a really good butter substitute—to make Leverkusen competitive again. With Bayern now one foot in the quarter-finals, the only question left is: Can Leverkusen bounce back, or are they just “Kane’t Believe It’s Not Butter”?