In a recent twist that has left wildlife enthusiasts scratching their heads, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced a new initiative dubbed the "Eagle Empowerment Program," which, according to officials, aims to address the growing concerns over illegal bald eagle nest raiding. The agency, however, seems to have missed the memo on what Eagles actually need—perhaps because they prefer to focus on bureaucratic solutions rather than real ones. Under the new program, anyone who wishes to approach a bald eagle's nest must first obtain a shiny federal permit. The cost? A modest $500, which includes a sternly worded pamphlet titled “How to Politely Ask an Eagle for Its Eggs.” And what does this hefty fee entitle you to? Primarily the opportunity to approach these majestic birds with the spiritual confidence of a tax auditor; all the while, your kindly intentions will shield you from the wrath of environmental activists brandishing their knitting needles in protest. The agency has encouraged the public to see this as a golden opportunity for "educational pursuits." "It's not about taking from the Eagles," explained Wildlife Service spokesperson Gale Wind. "It's about fostering a healthy relationship with these glorious creatures. And what better way to do that than by offering the chance to collect fees from would-be nest raiders?" Officials were quick to assure the public that the funds collected from these permits would go straight back into “Eagle Conservation Programs”—which interestingly will also be administered by the same department. Critics point out this creates a fiscal loop that benefits neither the eagles nor the taxpayers, but it has done wonders for the self-esteem of people with a penchant for bureaucratic red tape. Meanwhile, a group of self-declared "Eagle Enthusiasts" has emerged under the guise of wildlife protection. They’ve already begun to capitalize on the situation, offering DIY kits for "properly pillaging" eagle nests. Their instructional video series, "Eagles and Egg Thievery: A Gentle Approach," comes complete with tactical advice on how to distract the mothers with shiny objects while ensnaring their eggs within a carefully calibrated time frame. “This is all in good fun,” said a spokesperson for the Eagle Enthusiasts. “We believe in eagles’ rights, but we also believe in our right to make a profit off their eggs, as long as we follow the laws! And let’s face it—who can really resist the allure of baby eagle omelets? Just think of the brunch possibilities!” Despite the grim situation, environmental activists are determined to thwart these dastardly ego-nappers. They have passed around a petition demanding that the federal government receive additional training on how to “not just stand around while eagles are pillaged.” Their plan? To stage protest sit-ins at eagle nests nationwide, armed with signs reading, “Not Eggs-Actly Legal!” and “Hatch No Evil!” In the meantime, eagles themselves remain blissfully unaware, continuing their natural habit of soaring majestically, while the rest of the world conspires over their nests like characters in a poorly scripted reality show. As for bald eagles, they’re simply waiting for this madness to pass. After all, they have a lot of hunting and soaring left to do, and they don’t need any federal permits for that.