In a bold new strategy aimed at boosting the Texas economy and rekindling memories of the 1980s nuclear power craze, state officials announced today that they will officially rename the Lone Star State “Nuclear Texas” in a bid to attract uranium mining back into the fold. “Why wait for the future when you can go back to the more radioactive past?” exclaimed Governor Joe ‘Uranium’ Jenkins during a raucous press conference held in front of a gigantic fluorescent padlock labeled “Open for Business”. As he smiled under the glow of neon green lights, he added, “Nothing says prosperity like digging up rocks that glow in the dark!” The plan centers around a statewide initiative that encourages landowners to transform their property into uranium mines. “We’re providing landowners with all the equipment they need, including pickaxes, hard hats, and a little something we call ‘Uncle Sam’s Lucky Loot’ subsidies,” stated Jenkins, holding up a vintage Geiger counter, its needle vibrating in delighted anticipation of the radioactive future. “You don’t just get to live on the land; now, you can live *for* the land!” In response to growing safety concerns, the Texas Legislature passed the aptly titled ‘Re-irradiate Texas’ bill, which allows mining operations to proceed without the pesky burden of environmental assessments or permits. “Let the uranium flow like sweet tea at a summer barbecue,” Jenkins cheered, reassuring the public that “local ranchers will simply have to share their pastures with landmines… uh, I mean, *uranium mine tailings.* A small price to pay for economic revival, don’t you think?” The announcement has garnered mixed reactions from the populace, with some citizens celebrating the return of ’80s nostalgia with a series of themed parties, complete with glow-in-the-dark cocktails and “Duck and Cover” drills. Others have formed groups like “Uranium Ain’t Our Gold” and “No Glow Jobs,” citing concerns about radiation and the lingering scent of fallout. In an unexpected twist, local radio stations have begun airing retro songs with new lyrics celebrating the mining initiative—like the classic “Uranium Boom Town” sung to the tune of “Gimme Some Lovin’.” It is quickly becoming a state folk anthem, although some critics argue that sing-alongs in mines may breaches multiple industry safety standards. Most excitingly, nearly 50 school districts across Texas have begun incorporating uranium mining into their science curricula, teaching students the ins and outs of turning uranium into trendy new products. “Why just stick to lemonade stands when you can open a ‘Uranium Lemonade’ stand?” quipped one ambitious fifth-grader, whose spiffy flyers, featuring a grinning atomic symbol, flooded the town. Critics have pointed out that Texas isn’t actually experiencing a pressing need for uranium mining, but that hasn’t deterred the governor. “Sure, you could say we’re living in a post-nuclear world, but just think about how cool it would be to have a glow-in-the-dark legacy. I mean, who needs windmills when you can have a reactor instead?” proclaimed Jenkins, his eyes shining brighter than any isotope. As the whispers of a “Uranium Chic” fashion trend circulate—complete with hazmat suits as the ‘it’ attire of the decade—Texans have been left with one burning question: How far back is too far to go? In Nuclear Texas, however, the answer remains delightfully enigmatic. After all, why “sustain” the future when you can dig up the past?