Auburn Tigers Secure Sweet 16 Spot by Mastering the Art of Defense… Sort Of LEXINGTON, Ky. – In a shocking display of defensive prowess, the Auburn Tigers found themselves facing the unthinkable: a quality opponent that could actually score, throwing their NCAA Tournament dreams into disarray. But after an excruciating first half, where it appeared an astrological phenomenon had caused the laws of physics to be upended, the Tigers finally figured out how to play defense—at least for a few minutes. “Honestly, I was scared,” admitted Auburn coach Bruce Pearl, who reportedly sent out an SOS signal to other coaches who might lend a hand. “I thought we were going to end up in the NIT. I mean, who knew that holding opponents to zero points for four seconds was a tactical achievement?” The heart-pounding clash against the ninth-seeded Creighton Bluejays saw Auburn trailing at halftime, as if they were trying to set the world record for most points allowed in a single half. But come the second half, the Tigers finally woke up as their top-seeded status began to fade quicker than the confidence of their fans when they remembered they weren’t playing high school kids anymore. Tahaad Pettiford led the charge. After a pitiful first half, when it seemed like he was attempting to score with a garden hose instead of a basketball, he tossed aside the shackles of mediocrity to net 16 of his 23 points in the second half. “I just remembered my training: whenever in doubt, shoot. And shoot again. And again,” he stated, proudly. Meanwhile, Chad Baker-Mazara, whose name sounded suspiciously like a character in a reality TV show, contributed a noble 17 points. “I just kept throwing it up there. It was either going in, or it was going to need therapy,” he quipped. The Tigers experienced a miraculous scoring drought from Creighton, with the Bluejays going an astonishing six minutes without a point. This was not just a defensive performance; it was an example of how college kids can inexplicably forget how to shoot a basketball when the pressure is on—and not the pressure of their final exams. By the time the dust settled and the scoreboard flashed an 82-70 victory, the Auburn bench resembled a momentary sorority party—full of excitement as players jumped around like they had just discovered WiFi. Pearl’s triumphant grin suggested he was finally ready to accept praise for devising a plan that involved letting the other team lose their minds instead of forcing them to miss shots. As Auburn prepares for its next challenge in the Sweet 16, fans are left with the optimistic impression that somehow, just maybe, they've cracked the code on both scoring and defending. “We just need to hold our opponents scoreless for longer than six minutes next time,” Pearl confidently remarked, as if that were all it took to secure a national title.