DATELINE — The rapidly melting Arctic ice has flooded the news channels, setting sail to vast opportunities for maritime trade while drowning the earth in a deluge of catastrophic environmental consequences. Shippers and commodities traders worldwide, reeling from giddy excitement at the prospect of newly navigable shipping lanes, are already weighing anchor on plans to transform the frozen wasteland into a bustling waterway melting pot. "Frankly, we're thrilled about the melting ice," said Skip Waters, a spokesperson for Global Shipping Enterprises. "Scientists have been warning about the disappearing ice caps for years, and we're ready to capitalize on that doom and gloom with lucrative shipping routes and economic boom." Indeed, the melting ice has floated countless irresistible opportunities for governments and industries alike. The once impassable Arctic Ocean, now sprinkled with precariously perched polar bears and disoriented walruses, promises to become the latest playground for global trade, environmental plundering, and geopolitical jockeying. "What's an endangered Arctic fox when you can shave days off shipping times between Asia and Europe?" pondered Waters as seagulls and pieces of North Pole icebergs dive-bombed his office. Some environmentalists, however, are sounding the alarm on the detriments of the Arctic ice meltdown. Their syrupy sentiments of rising sea levels, vanishing habitats, and climate refugees are nothing compared to the bittersweet convenience of faster shipping arrivals and the alluring scent of oil and natural gas drilling. "It's like Black Friday at sea," said Trey Derringer, an eager commodities trader. "Just imagine the rush of everyone vying for their place in line to profit from the opening of the pristine Arctic - like bargain hunters, but with icebreakers and oil rigs." But the relentless Arctic ice melt is not just opening up these brazen new markets; it's also welcoming budding opportunities for countries to flex their geopolitical muscles. For instance, the heated competition amongst nations to lay claim to the resource-rich Arctic Ocean floor might actually give global warming a run for its destructive money. "Never mind the melting ice caps and drunken polar bears," said one geopolitical analyst. "The real thrill is the brewing game of tug-of-war between countries pouncing on the new Arctic bounty like five-year-olds fighting for candy." While the long-standing concern from the scientific community that the Arctic ice melt will accelerate global warming, flood coastal cities, and result in devastating loss of various wildlife species, dreams of smooth sailing through previously ice-clogged waters have traders and shippers far from ready to give up the ship. "I don't doubt that there will be some sinking along the way," admitted Waters as he showed off his collection of melted-ice-infused whiskey. "But oh, the treasures we will uncover and the new channels we shall charter...at least until they're completely underwater."