In a groundbreaking development that has shaken the tech world to its core, Apple has announced a monumental settlement of $95 million stemming from claims that its beloved voice assistant, Siri, might have been eavesdropping more than just the weather. In a lawsuit that can only be described as a modern-day Agatha Christie novel, a group of vigilant users uncovered that their private conversations were being recorded without their express permission—prompting the tech giant to reconsider its "Hey, Siri" policy. Sources close to the matter suggest that Apple’s next series of advertisements may feature a reworked version of its popular slogan, “Siri—now with less snooping!” The company has promised to use some of the settlement funds to launch a new campaign emphasizing user privacy—potentially featuring life-sized cutouts of Siri standing guard in living rooms nationwide, complete with a giant “Do Not Disturb” sign. Critics of the settlement have expressed their disbelief, suggesting that $95 million might simply be the cost of a new high-tech privacy feature, alongside an upgrade to Siri’s knowledge base, which previously could only advise on meteorological conditions. Rumors are swirling that Apple is considering a new version that would not only answer "What's the weather?" but also "How can I ensure my secrets remain secrets?" In the wake of the settlement, tech enthusiasts are eagerly speculating about what the next iteration of Siri will look like. Will she come with a "Privacy Mode" that actively engages in small talk to deflect potential eavesdropping? Or perhaps a built-in foghorn that activates during sensitive conversations? As one potential user quipped, “I’d settle for a Siri that pops up and says, ‘Did you say ‘Siri’? Because I require explicit confirmation before recording your life story.’” As the court proceedings inch closer toward approval, consumer advocates urge everyone to take precautions. They recommend the installation of noise-canceling curtains, voice-muffling devices, and, if all else fails, “Whisper Mode,” a non-existent feature that can only be activated by saying "please" three times. Apple’s new defense strategy seemingly hinges on the idea that a highly secretive but still at times chatty voice assistant might just make the user experience even more entertaining. In the meantime, Siri continues to improve her weather-reporting skills, while pondering her transition into a more privacy-conscious future—somewhere between a friendly assistant and a full-time therapist who wipes your memories clean of all insecurities. Stay tuned for further updates on what experts are dubbing “Eavesdrop-Gate”—a scandal that has the digital world holding its breath, or perhaps holding its tongue.