In a stunning turn of events that has left tech enthusiasts giggling in their overpriced lattes, a federal judge has reportedly ordered Apple CEO Tim Cook to take off his “commission hat” and finally allow third-party payment options in the App Store. This decision came after Judge Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers, armed with a gavel and a sense of humor, declared Apple’s past practices “more outdated than a flip phone in 2023.” In a courtroom filled with high-priced lawyers and overzealous Apple fans, the judge instructed Cook to stop charging commissions on purchases made outside the App Store, suggesting he might have better luck selling apples at a farmer's market than enforcing the tech giant's monopoly. “If I wanted to pay a 30% middleman fee for a banana, I would just buy organic,” she quipped, prompting laughter from an audience that had clearly come for the spectacle rather than the legal precedent. Epic Games, makers of the wildly popular Fortnite, took center stage with their argument about Apple’s stranglehold on app transactions. According to reports, Epic has since adopted a new slogan: “Why pay a premium for pixels?” It seems the game developer is ready to crown themselves the Robin Hood of the digital realm, effectively stealing from the rich and giving gamers a fair shot at not seeing their credits depleted faster than they can say “in-app purchase.” As the courtroom drama unfolded, Cook was seen squirming in his chair, nervously clutching what appeared to be a commission calculator. In an unexpected twist, the judge even recommended the bespectacled CEO turn his attention to new ventures outside of tech. “How about offering subscription packages for those missing out on your latest quarterly earnings? Call it ‘Apple’s Bountiful Basket of Broken Dreams’,” she suggested, her sarcasm sharper than an iPhone edge. Following the ruling, analysts speculated that Apple's stock may take a tumble, with various tech investors now anxiously scrubbing their apps for “Buy Now, Pay Later” features. However, stock analysts also noted a potential surge in sales for cases designed to protect against “unexpected customer choices.” As the dust settles, whispers of a potential criminal investigation into Apple’s practices have left many wondering what kind of fruity fallout might be on the horizon. Will Tim Cook face prosecution for “fruitful deception”? Will Epic Games expand their campaign to include a new battle royale called “Fortnite: The Courtroom Chronicles”? One thing is for sure: it’s a fruit basket of uncertainty, and we’re all just waiting for the next juicy development.