In a stunning turn of events, Brad Pitt has publicly declared his newfound identity as "Divorce is My New Spirit Animal," following the long-awaited finalization of his divorce from Angelina Jolie. Sources close to the actor say he plans to start "Divorce Yoga" classes that focus on meditation, deep breathing, and letting go—of emotional baggage and, perhaps, custody agreements. Meanwhile, the Hollywood elite has started placing bets on Jolie’s next adventure. Rumors swirl that she plans to take up extreme sports, with "Extreme Co-Parenting" topping the list. Apparently, she’s looking to surf the waves of single motherhood while balancing a tightrope of family dynamics over shark-infested waters. Jolie’s attorney, James Simon, shared that the actress is currently in a state of sheer bliss, albeit exhausted: “She’s relieved that the paperwork is finally behind her. She’s ready to embrace a life free from endless legal updates, and she might finally start updating her Instagram with content that doesn’t involve court documents.” Pitt's sociological experiment with divorce identities didn’t stop at a catchy phrase. He's reportedly launching a TikTok channel titled “Divorce Hacks,” where he plans to share tips ranging from how to split up your Netflix account to creating “Divorce-Themed Charcuterie Boards” for those awkward post-split dinners. “It’s all about finding joy after a breakup,” a source close to Pitt revealed. “He’s even considering a line of scented candles labeled ‘Breakup Breeze.’ He thinks they'll be the next big thing since ‘Woodsy Wilderness’—perfect for setting the mood when you finally decide to take that leap into the dating pool again.” Friends of the former couple are cautiously optimistic. “We just hope they can split the dogs without calling in a mediator,” one friend remarked, referencing their beloved pets. “There’s nothing more tragic than a dog caught in a custody battle.” As the dust settles over one of Hollywood’s ugliest breakups, fans and foes alike brace for the next chapter in the lives of Jolie and Pitt—a dramatic saga filled with new romances, gripping narratives, and possibly, more satirical headlines. So grab your popcorn and your court-approved beverages, because the "Divorce Chronicles" are just getting started.