In a shocking announcement that stunned absolutely no one, Amnesty International released a bold new report this week, declaring Israel’s military actions in Gaza a "How-To Guide for Genocide.” This definitive guide, which reportedly includes a range of effective strategies, including "how to unleash hell" and "achieve total impunity," is said to be an essential read for anyone looking to master the art of human rights violations. The report, clocking in at a breezy 32 pages, meticulously details the organization's findings from October 2023 to July 2024. It reveals that Israel has not only been playing a game of geopolitical Monopoly—complete with property development and going directly to jail—but has also managed to redefine the term "occupied" in a truly explosive manner. According to sources close to the report, the document, which offers step-by-step tips and colorful illustrations, is poised to become a best-seller in both the military and diplomatic communities. "Who knew that genocide could be packaged like a DIY home improvement project?" remarked one unnamed analyst who noted the strategic use of vivid imagery and easy-to-follow instructions. "We expect it to fly off the shelves in universities across the globe—especially in political science departments." Meanwhile, Israel has responded to the characterization of its Gaza operations by calling it the "most audacious attempt at misinterpretation" since the infamous 2003 report claiming that the Iraq War was about democracy instead of oil. Israeli officials are reportedly considering launching their own educational campaign titled "Understanding the Difference Between Military Operations and Selected Back-to-Back War Crimes" in response to the Amnesty report. As international outrage mounted, human rights advocates were quick to say that the revelations were "shocking yet unsurprising," akin to discovering that water is wet or that the sun rises in the east. "At this point, we're running out of exclamatory phrases to describe the situation. It's like watching a graduate student write a thesis on ‘How to Fail at International Law,’ and somehow, it’s being praised by the highest academic circles," one human rights lawyer commented. In an exclusive interview, Amnesty’s spokesperson hinted at future releases, promising additional editions of their new monthly magazine, “Human Rights Violations Monthly,” which is expected to feature upcoming coverage of pleasant genocides in other regions and offer warm, cozy tips on how to ignore the whole thing altogether. As preparations for the next issue are underway, many are left asking: Who will be the next unfortunate recipient of this unwanted title? Only time will tell, but for now, the world can revel in the absurdity of a situation that seems to defy all reason—while a 32-page report provides next year's most controversial bedtime reading.