In an unprecedented initiative that has left environmentalists, tourists, and park rangers scratching their heads, the Department of the Interior has announced that America’s Great Outdoors is now entirely open for “unstaffed adventures.” Gone are the days of having park rangers, guides, and even restrooms for your convenience. Now, it’s just you, nature, and a complete lack of infrastructure—what could possibly go wrong? The initiative, dubbed "Natural Freedom," was launched in collaboration with the National Park Service and features an audacious new slogan: “Discover the beauty of nature—just don’t ask for help!” Secretary of the Interior, who, notably, is also an avid survivalist, explained, “Who needs park rangers? That’s just holding back the true adventure. We want people to experience the wild… in a completely unregulated, unmonitored manner. It’s about self-discovery!” Visitors to iconic sites, such as Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon, can now head into the wilderness armed only with their phones (no signal available, of course), a vague map (if you can locate one), and the knowledge that if they get lost, they will truly be on their own. “It’s like an escape room, but larger, more dangerous, and with an increased chance of bear encounters!” enthused one enthusiastic survivalist who planned to camp out with only a pocket knife and a half-eaten granola bar. Critics, however, are raising eyebrows. “This is a recipe for disaster,” expounded a local environmental expert who preferred to remain nameless for fear of being eaten by a rogue bear on their next hiking expedition. “People go to national parks hoping to connect with nature; they’re not really prepared for nature to connect back, especially when it comes to wildlife encounters. The only thing more dangerous than that is a family that just watched a YouTube survival tutorial the night before.” In lieu of traditional amenities, the unstaffed parks have replaced all rest areas with signs that read, “Use the great outdoors as your toilet. Channel your inner caveman!” Campsites have been stripped of picnic tables, fire pits, and—most shockingly—trash cans, as officials encourage visitors to “embrace the spirit of leave-no-trace… so really, just don’t leave anything behind!” While no one can deny the thrill of adventure, the lack of staff has led to a curious safety initiative called “Survive and Thrive,” which includes wild self-guided hiking tours and “Ranger Games” in which extremely bored families can engage in contests to see who can avoid stepping in a bear trap the longest. In comical fashion, plan-your-own-scenarios where participants make choices between different “paths” have emerged, such as, “Will you fall into a ravine, or encounter a disgruntled moose?” Unregulated hiking and camping may also spark a renaissance of inventive side hustles in the outdoors industry. Tour companies are already popping up with “self-guided experiences'' that include everything you never knew you needed for your trek: kombucha-infused water bottles, biodegradable toothpaste samples, and motion-activated bear-repellent pepper spray that is rumored to just be repackaged cooking spice. So, with America’s great outdoors now “open for business”—which is to say, open for anyone willing to pay the entry fee and face the wilderness sans any assistance—adventurous citizens are left to wonder: is it the wild they are entering, or is it the ultimate risk of being “lost in the wilderness” while simultaneously being “found” by the existential dread of their own decisions? Only time will tell… and in the meantime, good luck!