In a bold move signaling a new era of governance, the Trump administration’s Department of Transportation (DOT) has officially declared war on science, rationale, and inclusivity, dubbing its new framework “America First, Facts Last!” In a jubilant press conference, Secretary of Transportation Hugh Nonsense unveiled a sweeping policy change that embraces ignorance and celebrates the rejection of expert advice, stating, “Why listen to scientists when you have gut feelings?” The policy shift comes in the wake of recent studies revealing that most Americans have a strong preference for anti-intellectualism over pesky facts. “We’ve found that being informed is just so… passé,” Nonsense continued, punctuating his statement with a dismissive wave of his hand. “In this new America, we will prioritize intuition over information. Who needs data when you have a hunch?” As part of the initiative, the DOT plans to replace scientifically verified roadway safety measures with a series of whimsical decoration schemes including oversized inflatable animals and disco balls hanging from traffic lights. "If people are going to ignore the speed limit, they might as well enjoy the view!" Nonsense quipped, revealing the DOT’s new motto: “Aesthetics Over Analytics.” Additionally, the DOT has also announced a delightful new hiring practice that will see the Department staffed by individuals with zero experience in transportation, engineering, or any related field. "We’re looking for creativity here, not credentials!" said Nonsense, grinning widely. “Why hire qualified professionals when we can recruit baristas, dog walkers, and amateur TikTok stars? They know how to capture an audience, which is what this department is really all about!” In a notable expansion of policy, the DOT has opted out of funding for public transportation systems in favor of unmoderated carpooling apps that “bring everyone together for a uniquely chaotic experience.” This will, according to Nonsense, foster a sense of community—everyone trapped in cocktail lounge conversation while stuck in traffic seems like a great way to strengthen bonds, after all. Furthermore, in a move many are calling “innovatively regressive,” the DOT is set to roll back environmental protections that inhibit road expansion projects. “Nature’s nice and all, but we’re Americans! We love our cars—let’s pave it all!” exclaimed Nonsense, possibly mistaking the environment for an expansive parking lot needing urgent decluttering. The inclusion aspect of transportation, a topic gaining traction in recent decades, has also seen a radical overhaul. Rather than expanding access for differently-abled individuals, the DOT has opted for what they describe as “creative exclusion.” “Why should we cater to everyone?” Nonsense stated, chuckling. “Let’s focus on making sure our roads are flanked with patriotic flags and jingoistic slogans instead. Who needs access when they can celebrate liberty?” Critics of the plan, who are mostly those pesky “well-informed” citizens, have voiced their concerns, arguing that prioritizing ignorance could lead to catastrophic consequences on the roads. However, Nonsense has swiftly dismissed these complainers as “faux intellectuals.” “Let them have their facts,” he scoffed, “while the rest of us party in the fast lane.” As the country adjusts to this brave new world of Down With Science rhetoric, many wonder if they, too, might join the DOT’s celebration of ignorance. After all, who could resist the allure of a society where common sense takes a backseat, and the driver is purely subjective experience?