Title: "8 Miraculous Ways to Gain Extra Calories Fast and Easy" Attention, fitness neophytes, diet enthusiasts and those perennially stuck in the thin crime scene. Raise high your audacious forks and make way for the new age health revolution - Gaining Extra Calories, Fast and Easy. To help you pack on those pounds like a true champion, we bring you 8 invincible techniques that make a mockery of those unworthy fitness goals sequenced by the frail folks of the health industry. 1. Supercharge your day with a Bedtime Snack: Staring at your ceiling before you sleep can be incredibly boring. That's why inventors invented the refrigerator. To make sure you are consuming an extra slice of cheesecake or that leftover pizza just before you drift off on a cloud of carbohydrates. Trust us, those midnight fats will work nonstop while you sleep. So, gobbledygook to the idea of burning calories! 2. The Power of Sitting: Forget those yoga poses and morning strolls. Chair-source your fitness instead! A state-of-the-art derriere accelerator, your chair can help you develop that sedentary lifestyle everyone's talking about. Just make sure your binge-watching sessions extend beyond two hours at a stretch for best results. 3. Fried Dreams: Abandon the realm of salads and steam-pressed food. The real power lies in anything and everything fried. Don't just seize the day, seize the fries! According to a rather unverified source of ours, fried food has the potential to make you feel invincible (and slightly bloated). 4. Make Your Food Sweeter than your Love Life: Why consider honey when you can have sugar? Why settle for a single spoon when you can empty the jar? Supercharge your every meal, beverage, and snack with extra sugar, because life is too short to be saccharine-free. 5. Salt Bae Your Way Through: With just a pinch (read: handful!) more salt in every dish, your high blood-pressure dreams need not be a far fetched quest. Remember - a little salt never hurt anyone, but a lot could do so much more! 6. Sip your Calories: Substitute that dull and tasteless water with anything that combines sugar, caffeine, and sodas. Flaunt that soda belly with pride, transforming it into an extra layer of insulation to keep you warmer during winter! 7. Ignore the False Prophets of Fruits and Veggies: Put your faith in the tried and tested realms of heavily processed food and preservative-laden snacks instead. Why waste time peeling oranges when you can unwrap deliciously artificial, chemically-enhanced products? 8. Outsource Exercise to Someone More Enthusiastic: Exercise belongs to the same category as dieting, a horrifying chore that holds no positive outcomes except healthy living and a slim body. Yuck! Let someone else take care of that, while you sit back and cultivate those priceless pounds. Roll up your sleeves, and let the world witness your heroic endeavour to gain those extra calories all hushed by the mainstream 'health gurus'. Set your heart (and stomach) on a journey to make every calorie count, because you’re not just adding weight; you’re adding ‘life’. Carpe diem, carb diem.