In a shocking twist befitting a telenovela, Amad Diallo, the 22-year-old Manchester United winger, decided it was high time to rescue his team from the throes of mediocrity and bless us all with a masterclass in last-minute dramatics. With the match on the line against last-placed Southampton, Diallo seemingly took a page from the “How to Be a Late Game Hero” handbook—written, of course, by the staff of the beleaguered Old Trafford hospitality booth. In an act of pure predestination, Diallo launched his theatrical performance in the 82nd minute, equalizing with a goal that sent Manchester fans into a frenzied delight. It was as if he could hear the collective sigh of relief from the stands as if they were all saying, "Finally, our lives have purpose again!" But this was merely the warm-up act. With Southampton hanging not just on for dear life but also crafting a few vacation brochures about relegation in the 90th minute, Diallo struck again with the kind of finesse typically reserved for magician rabbits disappearing into hats. He turned the match on its head, sending glimmers of hope racing through the hearts of Red Devils supporters. As if that wasn’t enough to sink the proverbial toothpick into Southampton’s hopes, Diallo completed his hat trick in delightful fashion under the fluorescent lights of dread, sealing Southampton's fate in the fourth minute of stoppage time. It was the footballing equivalent of a dramatic monologue that ended with a standing ovation, leaving Southampton's players in a stunned tableau that felt like the end of a Shakespearean tragedy. Meanwhile, Southampton’s Manuel Ugarte graciously accepted the role of villain by scoring an own goal in the first half, just to set the stage for this exhilarating comeback—one could say he’s truly committed to the art of providing amateur dramatics. As the final whistle blew, Diallo strutted off the pitch like a victorious peacock, leaving Southampton’s hopes of dignity in tatters, while Manchester United fans were reminded that nothing screams "elite club" quite like a last-minute hat trick against the team at the bottom of the league. In the aftermath, pundits cautiously analyzed the 3-1 result: Was this the dawn of a new renaissance for Manchester United, or merely a one-off miracle amidst a sea of chaos? Only time will tell, but one thing is for certain: Southampton must now grapple with the existential dread of being both the punchline and the audience in this ongoing circus of footballing mishaps.