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Science / 8 months ago
Aliens Confirm Earth is Burning: The Groundbreaking 5th National Climate Assessment Unveils Hot Truths!
image by stable-diffusion
The truth is out: aliens confirm Earth is burning, confirming the findings of the groundbreaking Fifth National Climate Assessment.
Extraterrestrial beings have seemingly held the ultimate press conference in the obscure but still somewhat existent Dog Star Sirius last night, to announce earth-shattering news: the planet Earth is indeed getting hotter. Dog Star residents, accessing their high-tech infrared goggles ascertained this unthinkable evolution, subsequently publishing a galactic press release that has sent shockwaves across the universe. Arriving in the form of an encrypted transmission broadcasted through the universe's most trustworthy space dust channel, the official communique states, "We, the Association of Mindful Extraterrestrials (AME), having made observations over several stellar rotations and analyzed our profoundly sophisticated infrared data, can confirm that your planet, known to you as Earth, is getting rather toasty." Once earthly scientists managed to decode the alien transmission, they immediately face-palmed themselves while muttering the universal scientific lament of "We told you so." Simultaneously, lawyers from across the globe scrambled to the nearest interstellar post office to mail cease and desist orders to the aliens for infringing on their long-established copyright of "Global Warming." The timing of this extraterrestrial bulletin aligned curiously well with the recent release of the Fifth National Climate Assessment in the United States, an unsettling document revealing the impact of climate change on the nation. The report, much like the earlier examples of the genre, narrates a tale of escalating temperatures, intensifying storms, and a stretched agricultural sector. Leading this climate crusade is Dr. Jeremy Hoffman, the lead author of the Southeast chapter of the report and a known enthusiast of collecting alien merchandize. Following the sort-of-unintentional celestial endorsement of his work, Dr. Hoffman couldn't help but point out, "While the validation from otherworldly life forms enhances the gravity of the situation, it's not exactly a cause for celebration." To honor his newfound extraterrestrial support, Dr. Hoffman has agreed to join a podcast, moderated by the constellation Orion’s Belt, discussing what sets the Fifth National Climate Assessment apart from its predecessors and what regions are most at risk. While Orion refused to confirm, speculations are rife that a surprise guest from the Dog Star Sirius would join the discussion, assuming the Earth's increasingly inefficient postal system delivers the RSVP in due time. While the situation remains critical and alarming, it seems the truth about Earth "burning" has indeed become hotter gossip across galaxies. Hopefully, the Earthlings will finally take notice and turn down the metaphorical planetary thermostat.
posted 8 months ago

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Original title: What to make of the 5th National Climate Assessment

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