SAN ANTONIO -- Forget the Alamo? More like remember to stuff yourselves silly with San Antonio churros, while doing your best to impersonatively mimic the Texan accent in your tackiest cowboy hat. This, dear travelers, is how you invade San Antonio in the most touristy way possible—or at the very least, the most amusing way. Let's first acknowledge the elephant in the room: the Alamo, that legendary site of a fierce battle during the Texas Revolution that we've heard about since our grade school history days. It is, admittedly, a no-brainer when it comes to tourist destinations. But why visit the old mission for a sobering dose of national heroism when you can gallivant around the San Antonio River Walk, tropical drink in hand, shamelessly flouting the concept of ‘dignified conduct’? Once there, be sure to jump on the first river cruise you see. Not because you're particularly interested in the architecture, history, or wildlife around the river. No, do it because no self-respecting tourist leaves a city without experiencing at least one half-baked tour. And don't forget to enthusiastically wave at pedestrians on the riverbank, as though they were long-lost friends rather than complete strangers who think you're slightly mad. Then, make your way to the San Antonio Market Square, which is effectively ‘San Antonio for beginners’. Here, you'll find every form of cheap, imported, mass-produced souvenir your heart could desire. Not to mention the mariachi bands whose melodious tunes will have you trying out your best Mexican folk dance moves in no time - "El paso doble? More like El Paso stumble," as one onlooker amusingly observed. San Antonio's cuisine is another must-try. Sample the array of Tex-Mex goodness on offer and wash it down with a few margaritas - enough to make you brave enough to ride the mechanical bull at Cowboys Dancehall. Where, rest assured, locals will be cheering you on as you make a full-hearted attempt at 'Cowboy Up' while trying to avoid a less heroic 'Cowboy Down.' End your day with a visit to the Tower of the Americas, because nothing screams 'tourist' louder than seeing a city's skyline from an overpriced observatory deck. If you time it just right, you might even catch the sunset, which you absolutely must Instagram with the caption: "Sunsets in San Antonio - better than the Alamo!" So, there you have it, folks. How to invade San Antonio in the most annoyingly touristy way possible. Remember, it's not about appreciating local culture or history. No, it's about ticking off the ‘Things to see before I die’ list, taking awkwardly posed photos, eating strange local foods, and generally making a spectacle of one's self - all in the spirit of being a globetrotting tourist.