In a bold and unprecedented declaration, Admiral Seamus Flotsam of the United States Navy has officially named New Zealand a "Land of the Long White Cloud and Short Attention Spans." The statement came during a press conference aboard the USS Nautical Nonsense, a ship known for its dubious scientific research initiatives and occasional Antarctic karaoke nights. Admiral Flotsam, donning an ill-fitting captain's hat, addressed the ocean of journalists, curious tourists, and seagulls who had gathered to hear his proclamation. "After extensive research, including a rigorous review of the local food truck menus and multiple viewings of 'The Lord of the Rings,' it has become abundantly clear that this fine nation is indeed a land of stunning natural beauty, cultural richness, and a severe case of collective ADD," he declared, waving a giant foam finger that read "Go Kiwis!" The Admiral’s assessment comes in light of recent studies that suggested New Zealanders have an astonishing ability to lose their train of thought mid-sentence, often due to distractions such as sheep, Rugby matches, and spontaneous sheep herding contests. "One moment they’re discussing the best way to prepare a Pavlova, and the next—boom!—they’re wandering off to chase clouds. It's quite impressive, really," Flotsam noted, chuckling as he adjusted his oversized sunglasses. Experts in both attention span and long-distance sheep wrestling at the University of Wellington have wholeheartedly endorsed the Admiral's proclamation. "We’ve conducted multiple surveys," noted Dr. Wynne T. Distraction, “and found that 87% of New Zealanders have expressed forgetfulness immediately after saying the phrase ‘Kia ora!’ This indicates not only a lack of focus but also a remarkable tendency to enjoy fleeting thoughts—particularly if they involve pies or skydiving.” Kiwis from all walks of life have responded with a mix of support and puzzled looks. Local barista and part-time skydiving instructor, Sarah Fizz, remarked, "I heard about the Admiral’s speech while I was making a flat white and immediately thought, ‘Have I always been this distracted, or is it just the second coffee brimming in my hand?’” She then abruptly veered off to explain the nuances of foaming milk, at which point her audience collectively forgot the original topic. Hilariously, the Admiral managed to capture a newly-discover phenomenon he dubbed “The New Zealand Shuffle”—a term meant to describe the rapid displacing of attention as locals shifted their focus from sports, politics, or even deep philosophical discussions about where to find the best fish and chips to an utterly random subject—like which celebrity would make the best model for a life-sized statue of a kiwi bird. As a symbolic gesture of solidarity, Admiral Flotsam gifted the New Zealand government a giant hourglass filled with conflated sheep, all while declaring, "This is your new national symbol—representing both the long hours spent staring at the clouds and the short bursts of productivity you’re all unknowingly championing!" The speech concluded with an uproarious cheer from the crowd, who then promptly turned their attention to a kite that had just been set adrift in the wind. It was a perfect embodiment of the Admiral’s findings: beautiful, fleeting, and gone before anyone could really appreciate it. In an official rebuttal, the New Zealand Ministry of Culture plans to declare that "We may have short attention spans, but we make long-lasting memories!” They then invited everyone to toast with their best bubbly and maybe start a new tradition of… whatever it was they were going to celebrate. Just after they figure it out.