In an unprecedented national campaign, universities across America have transformed into battlegrounds as professors don their armor—knitted cardigans and black-rimmed glasses—to defend the sanctity of academic freedom against the impending swarm of Right-wing ideologues. With a resounding battle cry of “Let us teach!” ringing through ivy-covered halls, tenured activists have stepped forward, armed with nothing but their sharp wits and a PowerPoint presentation titled "The Art of Mild Disagreement." Rumor has it that former President Donald Trump has unveiled a secret plan to turn universities into theme parks for conservative thought, complete with roller coasters that dive into the depths of “Alternative Facts” and a petting zoo where students can interact with plush versions of discredited theories. "It’s all very exciting," said one half-hearted philosophy professor as they gently tended to a cardboard cutout of Socrates. "But I do worry that students may end up questioning things they should take for granted, like climate change and the existence of gravity." In response, the professors have rallied under a newly formed banner: the Coalition of Concerned Scholars (CCS). “We are here to protect the right to babble incoherently about theories that nobody asked for,” declared the CCS president, visibly shaken but simultaneously energized by endless cups of lukewarm coffee. “These are tough times! Learning about critical race theory should not be reduced to a soundbite on Fox News! We demand the right to bore students into submission without interference!” As part of their protective measures, professors have taken to conducting “Teach-Ins” — where they educate students about the noble art of discussing utterly irrelevant topics, such as the virtues of postmodernism and why Kant’s categorical imperative is still relevant to the average TikTok user. Meanwhile, angry mobs of students have been spotted with pitchforks and hashtags, demanding a curriculum that prepares them for adult life such as “How to Make a Viral TikTok in 3 Easy Steps” and “Balancing Your Budget with a Side of Existential Dread.” Campus administrators, blissfully uninformed and mostly focused on their own self-preservation, have decided to ride this wave of hysteria by changing their job titles to “Chief Diversity Officers of Academic Righteousness.” Their primary goal appears to be arranging a series of town halls, where they can mediate conflicts while sipping lattes from a local artisan café. Plans are underway for “Hashtag Dialogues” — moderated discussions involving students, adjunct professors, and an algorithmic chat bot called “TruthBot 5000” who specializes in conflating free speech with wild conspiracy theories. The movement has gained momentum as professors don their battle regalia, vetting appropriate battle strategies by scrolling through Twitter feeds. “We need to engage in a culture war, but only when it’s convenient for us to complain about it on social media,” one professor remarked, clutching his copy of “The Structure of Scientific Revolutions” like a shield. In an effort to counter the advances of this movement, Trump’s administration produced a series of anti-indoctrination materials designed to prepare students for the formidable realities of adulthood. They include pamphlets like “How to Survive a Classroom Discussion Without Crying” and seminars titled “Real Life Lessons from Reality Television Stars." As skirmishes evolve, it appears both sides remain at an impasse, with each shout of “academic freedom” met with a response of “you’re brainwashing the youth!” In the end, it’s all just a muddled mess, only inspiring one thing—more t-shirts emblazoned with “Education is a Battlefield” and bumper stickers that read “Make Academia Boring Again.” In the words of one beleaguered literature professor, "At least if we’re fighting, we won’t have to grade papers."