Title: Bid Adieu to Water – The Secret De-Hydration Guide! The surge in popularity for health & wellness over the past decade has led to an onslaught of advice suggesting that we all need to drink water – 8 glasses a day, they say. But what if I told you that such advice was overrated? That's right, let's hop aboard a different train, my dehydrated friends, to a realm of healthcare where we boldly say, "No!" to H2O! So, without further ado, here are the unprecedented, under-tested, and absolutely unproven top tips to lead your brave new waterless-life: 1. Develop an Irrational Fear of Water: Marvel at those people who are scared of spiders or heights, their fears are amateurish compared to yours. Now you have the perfect excuse to avoid water, even if it means being chased around by a toddler with a squirt gun. 2. Carry Drought in Your Pocket: Forget about carrying a water bottle everywhere. Instead, keep sachets of salt in your pocket. A pinch on your tongue from time to time, and you'll crush those bothersome hydration messages your body keeps sending. 3. Savor the Smoke: Did you know that cigarettes are void of water? An impressive way to slacken your thirst. As an added bonus, you can also perfect that raspy blues voice you've always wanted. *Cough intensifies* 4. Choose Crisps Over Cucumbers: Why eat a cucumber when it's 96% water? Get your crunch fix from a packet of potato chips. Who needs vitamins and minerals when you have high salt content and a satisfying crunch?! 5. Slack-ercise: Forget exercise. Besides making you fit and healthy – gross, right? – it also makes you thirsty. Sit still and do not move. Yes, perfect! Just keep this up forever. 6. Drink Coffee Like Water: If there's any fluid you should be ingesting (instead of that plain, broing water), it’s our beloved coffee. The ideal diuretic, you'll dehydrate yourself even faster. Go on, seize that latte! 7. Migrate to the Sahara: A sure-fire way to a water-less existence, plus you get a lifetime supply of sand grains. Now, remember, dear readers, we at the "De-Hydration Today" headquarters fully understand this bold new lifestyle may raise a few eyebrows. But surely, it's just because the common masses are marred by their routine water-drenched existence. (Of course, it should go without saying, but we're going to say it anyway: This article is a complete piece of satire. De-hydration is a serious health risk. Always stay well-hydrated and follow the advice of health professionals over that of satirical articles.)