Title: "From Couch to, Well, the Same Couch: The Ultimate GUIDE to Embracing Insomnia" Are you tired of being tired? Have you ever wished you could just stay awake all night, every night? Are you eager to master the art of tossing and turning and bedside clock-watching? If so, today is your lucky day! As a fellow insomniac, I proudly present this comprehensive guide on how to embrace insomnia and smile (or, in our case, yawn) in its face. 1. Get Caffeinated: The More, The Better Every true insomniac knows that a day devoid of energy drinks, copious cups of coffee and vintage colas is a wasted one. To truly embrace insomnia, it’s of utmost importance to ensure your caffeine tolerance skyrockets faster than your sleep-schedules descends into chaos. 2. Forget the Bedtime Routine You may have heard about the strange concept of a “bedtime routine.” Consistency? Calming activities? Pshhh. We insomniacs lead thrilling lives, racing through mazes of mental activities even in the wee hours of the morning. Swap lavender essential oils for action-packed video games, and replace chamomile tea with an insightful Twitter debate. 3. Screens Forever and Ever To fully embrace your insomnia, it's crucial to regularly bask in the mesmerizing blue light of your electronic devices. Surround your bed with not one, but multiple glowing screens. Your phone, laptop, TV, and tablet will not only bring futuristic interior design vibes to your room but also ensure that you're perpetually one click away from the myriad content of the internet. 4. Conjure Worries Out of Thin Air The simple act of lying in bed could never suffice to send a seasoned insomniac off to the Land of Nod. Instead, activate your Sherlock mode and proceed to deduce the worst possible outcomes of everything that's ever happened (or hasn't) in your life. Remember that awkward conversation you had in seventh grade? It's prime time to analyze it in painstaking detail! 5. Make Your Sleep Gear Horribly Unfashionable Have you ever noticed those people who sleep in cute, matching pajama sets and silky sleep masks? Well, as an insomniac, we don't have time for such frivolous wardrobe coordination. Opt instead for outfits that lack any sense of style—a t-shirt you've owned since high school, paired with clashing flannel pants. If your bedmate judges your sleepwear choices, even better – all the more reason to remain perpetually awake. 6. Stick to a Stubborn Schedule A well-calibrated internal rhythm is for the weak. If you're required to wake up at 7:00 a.m., stubbornly resist the very notion of bedtime until you hear your neighbor's alarm clock ringing or birds chirping. This kind of erratic scheduling is key to ensuring inadequate sleep. Congratulations, fellow insomniac! You've mastered the art of embracing sleeplessness. With these tips in practice, you'll become the most alert, caffeinated, tech-savvy, worry-ridden, and unfashionably dressed night owl on the block. Sleep well! Or, better yet, don't sleep at all.