Title: "A Listicle Lover’s Guide to Embracing Insomnia: A Sleepaholic’s Nightmare" Is the stress of trying to fit into the arbitrary cultural beauty standards preventing you from getting a good night's sleep? Or perhaps it's the glowing all-night siren song of Netflix or your workaholic tendencies lingering around like an uninvited houseguest? Well, worry not, for Insomnia is not as much a monster in the closet as you might think. In fact, it's quite the misunderstood darling, and I assure you, it has its (dubious) perks. Here's a fantastical guide to celebrating insomnia—because who needs sleep anyway? 1. Embrace Your Inner Vampire Who needs sunlight, anyway? That constant threat of wrinkles and sunburns! Vampires have been the It-Squad since the 'Twilight' saga came around. Welcome to the vampire club, my nocturnal brethren. Insomnia has gifted you with endless nights to sparkle your way (minus the blood-thirst, hopefully). 2. Become an Expert in Late-Night Infomercials Staring at the ceiling fan above your bed is now a relic of the past. Welcome to the surprisingly soporific world of late-night infomercials. Pills that promise hair growth on the head (and not so much on the toes), exercise machines that will get you ripped abs in 7 minutes (never mind that the date on the bottom right of the infomercial reads 1992), and miracle serums that promise to age you in reverse! Even Benjamin Button would be left astounded! 3. Boost Your Online Shopping Game Being awake at ungodly hours places you at an irrefutable advantage over other online shoppers. Flash deals, anyone? Also, thank that sleep-deprivation induced poor decision-making; you probably do need another pair of neon pink crocs with rainbow sequins. 4. Increase Your Intellectual Street-Cred Accumulating trivia has never been easier. Insomniac confusion often resembles existential angst, giving you a precious advantage in appearing highly intellectual. Casually drop ambiguous comments about the meaninglessness of existence and random astrophysical facts in daily conversations. You're now the Kierkegaard of your neighbourhood. 5. Become a Master of Ambient Sounds You've probably spent nights lying awake, acutely aware of every ticking of the clock, every whispering wind, and every creak from the old, grizzled floorboards. Congratulations, you are now a Master of Ambient Sounds. Feel free to list that in your resume under extra skills, right above "getting lost while navigating with Google maps." 6. Hi, Remember Me? Rekindle old friendships (or feuds). Ping your ex at 3 A.M. with "hi, remember me?" Insomniacs have an excuse to reconnect with people from their past. Or, if you're too shy to do that, you can always silently stalk their social media profiles. Now, in case a smidgen of sanity still rocks the boat of your sleep-deprived mind, reminding you that sleep is a vital biological function, remember that this is satirical. Genuine sleep disorders are no laughing matter and should be checked by a health professional who will recommend a course of sleeping bags or pills (or whichever works, really). Sweet dreams… or not?