Title: "Stress - The Secret Recipe for Outstanding Procrastination & Remarkable Feeling of Despair!" Stress - a melodic, soothing concept that has influenced millions of lives worldwide, generously offering seamless procrastination and an inexplicable feeling of despair. So you are here, heed our call to understand the principles that unlock the door to this ecstatic realm of dismay, turning you into a perfectly sizzling stressed-out being. 1. Abandon Your Yoga Mats, Embrace Coffee and Junk Food: Guzzling coffee and embracing donuts should be your new sacraments. Why not replace your calming morning yoga with a cup of nerve-racking caffeine and oily fries - the perfect way to soar your cortisol levels and welcome stress. Remember, convenience trumps nutrition, always! 2. Make Insomnia Your Close Companion: Ample hours of sleep is the nemesis of stress, which makes cherishing burning the midnight oil so crucial for the journey. Develop a knack for binge-watching series or scrolling continuously through social media late into the night. Begin by doing this occasionally and with practice, you'll be able to skip sleep like a pro. 3. Multitasking - A Royal Road to Stress: Cultivate the flair of managing multiple things at once. Acquiring this skill will keep stress as your loyal companion, and soon you will be overjoyed to feel the palpable burden on your muscle, mind, and soul. Remember, chaos is your newfound solace! 4. Procrastination – The Lifeline: Never complete a task beforehand when you can just conveniently delay it. Always push your tasks to the very end. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to see the tsunami of stress flooding in from the anticipation of not meeting a deadline. 5. Perfection - The Illusory Quest: Cling onto the mirage of absolute perfection in every endeavor. Nothing fuels stress better than the quest for flawlessness. Demand more from yourself constantly, exhausting every fiber of your being to achieve an artificial standard. Remember - stress is not an art, it's a lifestyle everybody wants to adhere to unknowingly. Follow this not-so-comprehensive guide to bless yourself with a life brimming with outlandish stress levels. And remember, the best part about this lifestyle is you don’t need to worry about a lack of motivation, happiness, or relaxation, as they will almost certainly be nowhere in sight! Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. Please don't follow this advice - it's meant for amusement, not life enhancement.