In a bold and audacious move to combat climate change, a coalition of billionaires and celebrity activists has just announced their acquisition of 31,000 acres of pristine rainforest in the Amazon. The land, now officially dubbed "Eco-Haven Paradise," was once a thriving ecosystem but has recently come under fire for its excessive biodiversity, which the new owners deemed "excessively inconvenient." Following an extravagant ceremony, complete with aerial drones delivering organic, gluten-free confetti, the coalition unveiled plans to transform the land into an eco-friendly retreat, where the green elite can escape the burdens of their diesel-powered yachts. The centerpiece of this project will be a luxurious resort equipped with solar-powered hot tubs and a vegan farm-to-table restaurant that promises to serve only the finest ethically-sourced quinoa sourced from John’s Backyard Farm in Connecticut. "These acres are a crucial part of our sustainability mission," said self-proclaimed environmentalist and CEO of a fast-fashion empire, Brianna Greenleaf. "Who would want ugly trees when you can have scrumptious avocado toast served on reclaimed wood? It's all about aesthetics, really." Critics of the project were quick to point out the hypocrisy of purchasing rainforest land for personal leisure while simultaneously advocating for environmental sustainability. However, the coalition assured everyone that they have plans to plant trees at a ratio of 1 per every 1,000 square feet, engaging in what they call "selective environmentalism," where only select trees are deemed worthy of being replanted. Activist and actress Greta Gloebal, a prominent member of the coalition, spoke at the opening of the Eco-Haven, proclaiming, "We must embrace this opportunity to curate our relationship with nature—one meticulously manicured blade of grass at a time." Gloebal was seen taking selfies with local native snakes, which she dubbed "the real influencers of the jungle." Local indigenous tribes are understandably skeptical of the so-called eco-resort and the coalition's outreach program, which promises to provide “optional” employment to those willing to trade traditional ways of life for careers in hospitality. "We are being told to embrace luxury while our land is commodified," commented Chief Rain River. "We prefer rain that falls naturally, not overpriced bottled rainwater." The acquisition has triggered a flood of new eco-tourism ventures with similar land-grab aspirations. Subsequent reports suggest that at least three more major corporations are in talks to purchase their own swathes of paradise, with plans to host wellness retreats featuring mindfulness yoga atop vegan cheeseburger buffets. As the Eco-Haven Paradise prepares to open its gates to a select few, one can only wonder how humanity manages to master the art of saving the planet while simultaneously securing the most luxurious views of its destruction—one dollar at a time.