In a shocking turn of events that has left the world grappling with the existential crisis of DNA ownership, 23andMe, the beloved purveyor of spitting into tubes, has declared bankruptcy. Yes, folks, the company that turned personally identifiable genetic information into a trendy party activity is packing its bags and heading to bankruptcy court. But don’t worry—your secrets are safe… for now. In an unprecedented move, California Attorney General Rob Bonta responded to this financial disaster with a very serious "consumer alert," urging the 15 million people who shared their DNA with the company to consider a radical new step: deleting their data entirely. Because what could possibly go wrong with erasing your genetic history? It’s not like any project has ever gone wrong after a hasty delete, right? In an exclusive interview with a mouthy popsicle, a 23andMe spokesperson assured consumers that this was all just a quirky misunderstanding. “Who really needs privacy anyway?” they chuckled, while nervously fidgeting with a ziplock bag full of spit samples. “Think of it as a new beginning! You wanted to uncover your ancestry and genetic traits, and now you can enjoy the thrill of being a mystery! Who will you be without your detailed health reports? A blank slate? The existential angst of humanity?" Meanwhile, privacy advocates are having a field day. “This might be the best thing that’s ever happened to data protection,” one lawyer gleefully declared while screeching in delight at the thought of unencrypted genetic information floating around like confetti at a party. “Finally, consumers might just get a taste of what it’s like to take back their privacy! Or they could just ignore the advice and see what happens when the police show up with a warrant and a crumpled DNA report.” As news of the bankruptcy spreads, social media is ablaze with posts from panicked 23andMe users brainstorming new ways to cope with their genetic identity crisis. Options include starting entirely new "Identity Reset" services, pooling DNA for a mega-ancestry group reunion, or even offering up digital interpretations of their ancestry pie charts in exchange for a solid TikTok following. In a not-so-shocking flash mob of unmuted Zoom calls, everyone from tech enthusiasts to conspiracy theorists has come together to debate the ethical ramifications of DNA collection. “Why would we ever trust a company that can't even figure out how to stay solvent?” mused one self-proclaimed DNA guru, sporting a makeshift tinfoil hat. “Think of how many clones they could have made with all that data! And now, it’s all going to waste!” The death of 23andMe—once hailed as the harbinger of personalized genetics—leaves a gaping hole in the world of amateur genetic enthusiasts and curious relatives seeking long-lost cousins. But it also opens the door to a thrilling societal experiment: what happens when 15 million people suddenly need to redefine their identities, solo and without the comforting hug of genetic data? While the future remains uncertain for both 23andMe and your curated DNA data, one thing is for sure: if you ever wanted a chance to reinvent yourself, now is truly the time to hit that “delete” button and plunge into the unknown. After all, who really needs privacy—when you can be a complete stranger to yourself?