Title: "How to Catch a Cold in 10 Easy Steps" Ah, the rhythmic coughing symphony! The delightful taste and texture of cough syrup! The endearing red nose that would give Rudolph serious competition! Sounds familiar? Of course it does--you, my friend, have been unknowingly striving for the jewel that is the common cold! But there's a better way to do this than half-hearted dabbling. With so many things in life requiring hard work and dedication to attain, getting sick should not be complicated. That's why, today, I'll expand on the principles behind the authentic manual - "How to Catch a Cold in 10 Easy Steps." Let that virus know you're serious about hosting it! 1. Wash Not Thy Hands: You know the sink and soap routine that people nag about? Forget it. Cleaning is for dishes, not superheroes like us. Embrace the bacteria. Welcome them. 2. Slurp: If you see a can of soda or coffee cup marked 'Susie' or 'Bobby' in the company fridge, drink it. Sharing is caring, they say, and who knows, you might get to share a cold with them! A bonding experience! 3. Touch EVERYTHING: Yes, that's right. The handrails, buttons, doorknobs, everything. Remember those elusive germs on your hands? They may just be able to introduce you to their deadly cousin, The Cold Virus. 4. Go Germ Hunting: Frequent crowded, unventilated places. They are the ultimate hunting grounds for cold germs--busy shopping centers, jam-packed metros, or my personal favorite, kindergarten classrooms. 5. Cold Toes are Gold: Keep your extremities cold: never wear socks. Let’s just say that a cold virus might mistake you for its Siberian friends and decide to settle in. 6. Sleep is Overrated: Who needs eight hours of good sleep when there are so many episodes to binge-watch on Netflix and tons of pointless YouTube videos to watch? 7. Say 'No' to the Healthy Diet: Fruits, vegetables, lean meats? No, thank you! Opt for preservative-loaded junk food instead. Your immune system will get so tired of fighting the junk, it’ll probably leave the door open for the cold virus. 8. Skip the Vitamin C: Although it's been candid about its fondness for boosting your immune system, which is the equivalent of being a fun-hating party-pooper—it's a classic vitamin C move. Stick to Vitamin See-No-Good-Health, instead. 9. Avoid Water at all Costs: Hydrate? More like gyrate, am I right? Keep the bar high and the water intake low. 10. Bid Adieu to Exercise: We all know the old myth that regular exercise keeps you healthy. But we also know that sitting around doing nothing sure feels good! Well, there you have it – the definitive guide to catching your next cold. Now, remember, consistency is key. If you don't catch a cold in your first attempt, don't be disheartened. Just sneeze right in the face of failure and keep going. Of course, there's one caveat: If, despite your hardest efforts, good health continues to plague you, you just may be doomed to a life of wellness and longevity. Worst case scenario, but somebody has to bear it. I'll be back next time with more self-indulging tips. Now, go forth and multiply... the germs, not the good behavior! Get out there and catch that cold!