In a stunning display of athletic superiority, the United States Ice Hockey Team taught Denmark a cold, hard lesson on Friday, rolling to a commanding 5-0 victory in the opening round of the Ice Hockey World Championship. The game was so one-sided that some Danish players reportedly considered trading their hockey sticks for a friendly game of badminton just to feel like winners. The match began with an impressive flourish as U.S. forward Gauthier opened the scoring from the slot. "I like to think of it as a warm-up for our real competition: sweeping the floor with any teams that dare challenge us," Gauthier announced while casually discarding the frozen remnants of Danish hopes in the locker room. Daccord, the U.S. goalie who notably experienced a shutout, humbly credited his team's defense and their ability to skate and shoot while the Danish players were still trying to figure out which foot goes where. "Any time a goalie gets a shutout is a team result," Daccord remarked. “Really, it's just about us making sure the puck never came close to me. Kind of like my high school prom—total avoidance.” The Americans’ second goal came from Cooley, who calmly exploited a power play opportunity. “It felt like taking candy from a baby, but with way more ice and less guilt,” said Cooley. Meanwhile, Beniers exhibited dazzling skill by scoring not once, but twice, sealing the fate of Denmark quicker than you can say “What happened to our national pride?” With a swagger not seen since the last World Cup victory, the U.S. converted a rebound in the middle period, demonstrating that the Danes had more of a chance at winning a snowball fight than this hockey match. Lohrei’s slap shot in the final period further put the nail in Denmark’s proverbial coffin. Sources confirmed that after the game, the Danish team was overheard contemplating a career change, possibly to professional knitting, where they might fare better. As jubilant American fans flocked to the stands, waving flags and chanting hollow threats about sending more Danish pastries to the freezer, the Danish team skated off with their heads held high—mostly because they were trying to avoid eye contact with the scoreboard. With the game finishing at an impressive 5-0, the U.S. team’s coach stated, “It’s just another day at the office for us. Back home, we expect nothing less than perfection. Well, that and brunch, of course.” The burgeoning rivalry now screams for a rematch, specifically in a more leisurely sport, like curling, where the stakes are lower and the chance of humiliation minimized. For now, the ice in Herning is still chillingly quiet as the Danes contemplate their next move. They’re reportedly considering repurposing old hockey sticks into chic garden decor—because when life hands you a 5-0 loss, you might as well make something beautiful out of it.