In a bold move that has left industry experts gasping, the Trump administration unveiled its latest initiative to target the Energy Star program, which has long been a beacon of hope for environmentally conscious consumers—at least, that’s what they said before Thanksgiving dinner last year when Uncle Bob lifted the turkey with one hand while complaining about energy bills. In a press conference that was more spectacle than substance, a spokesperson for the administration declared that the Energy Star label was “just too shiny” and needed to be dimmed for the sake of American tradition. “We all know that real American values embrace inefficient energy use,” he explained, while simultaneously charging his phone from a 1995-era toaster, “and It's high time we prioritize individuality over conformity.” Industry critics responded with a range of emotions ranging from bewilderment to outright laughter. Renowned appliance manufacturer, BlunderCorp, which specializes in the production of energy hogs, released a statement thanking the administration for its “visionary leadership.” The company’s CEO, known for sporting a custom suit made from recycled insulation, expressed excitement at the prospect of returning to “the good old days” when consumers had to grapple with the joys of skyrocketing electricity bills. The Energy Star program, which has been like the cool kid at the environmentalist lunch table, has faced mounting pressure in recent years to accommodate less efficient appliances. Industry insiders believe this initiative is simply a desperate ploy for manufacturers to reintroduce their beloved, over-the-top energy consumers back into the market—because nothing screams “freedom” like an electricity-draining refrigerator that doubles as a personal sauna. “Look, we all want to save the planet, but let’s not get too extreme,” mused one appliance dealer, who asked to remain anonymous in fear of the Eco-Truth Police. “If my customers want refrigerators that guzzle electricity like it’s their last soda on a hot summer day, who am I to stop them?” In a show of solidarity, various industry voices rallied at a recent conference under the slogan “Pro-Excess is the New Eco.” They donned T-shirts with slogans like “Keep It Inefficient” and “Why Go Green When You Can Go Red, White, and Blue?” The collective emphasized the dire need for an urgent return to the status quo—where incandescent light bulbs thrived a little too brightly, and power-sucking gadgets wrecked the grid. A new campaign spearheaded by the Coalition for Energy Excess (CEE) aims to abolish the stars in Energy Star, replacing it with an energetic but vague “American Appliances” label. “We believe appliances should reflect what it means to be part of the USA, and that means celebrating the right to waste,” said CEE’s spokesperson before cutting the ribbon on a factory producing appliances that simultaneously cook your food and roast your energy bill. Meanwhile, the Environmental Protection Agency has been eerily silent, perhaps busy enjoying a long-awaited vacation—the sudden thawing of budget cuts has its perks, after all. In a shocking twist, it’s rumored that the agency might consider adopting the label “No Stars, Just Stripes”—a tribute to the nation’s flag—on their own collection of oversized file cabinets working overtime in the spirit of inefficiency. As the Energy Star program braces for the fallout, whispers of leakage from power plants and the endless hum of outdated technologies fill the air. Supporters can only hope that, in the name of patriotic energy waste, they can still find a way to enjoy the extravagant comfort of their old, beloved appliances. After all, who needs sustainability when you have freedom, right?