Title: 7 Steps to Stop Washing Your Hands and Embrace Bacteria, Like a "Real Human" This revolutionary self-help article is perfect for today's society because, let's be honest; we're all a little too hygiene-obsessed. With this satirical step-by-step guide, you'll soon learn the wonders of embracing bacteria and becoming a "real human" – like our ancestors (who may or may not have died due to diseases, but hey, that's just a minor inconvenience). Step 1: Revel in Nostalgia Instead of buying ludicrous anti-bacterial gels, relive the good old days of our forefathers, playing in the mud and getting infected. Why would anyone want to live amidst synthetic chemicals anyway when you have natural, disease-ridden dirt for free? Step 2: Trust Your BACTERIA Treat bacteria like family, even if they make you sick. Remember, illness builds character, and a strong immune system is only built through battles with dangerous pathogens. Who needs vaccines and hand washing when you can have a hearty dose of E.coli? Step 3: Ignore the Handwashing Hype Rebel against the sterile lifestyle society has forced upon us. Make a stand by not washing your hands after using the toilet, preparing food, or petting a friendly neighborhood raccoon. This will give your immune system the challenge it has been desperately craving. And as a bonus, your new salmonella handshake will make quite an impression! Step 4: Create Your Bacterial Superhero Identity Become the personification of bacteria by making up your bacterial superhero name. Dive deep into your love for bacteria by becoming “E. Coli Clasper,” “Staph Slayer,” or “Captain Streptococcus.” Embrace the villainous side of bacteria and cause mass chaos through the sheer power of your unwashed hands. Step 5: Reject the Hand Sanitizer Brainwashing Refuse those pesky bottles of hand sanitizer promoters hand out. Just give them a firm “NO.” They're trying to trick you into believing in their germ-free utopia. Believe in yourself, your bacteria, and your unwashed hands. The dirtier they are, the closer you are to reaching peak human existence. Step 6: Spread the Gospel of Bacterial Empowerment Start a public speaking circuit to enlighten the masses about the joys of getting dirty. Hand out pamphlets with catchy slogans like “Wash Your Hands? You Must Be Joking!” and “Dare to Get Dirty –It's the Path for the Brave.” Remember, everyone ought to know the benefits of a bacteria-rich life! Step 7: Enjoy a Bacterial Renaissance Watch in glee as the world turns away from tiresome hygiene practices and moves towards a holistic bacterial awakening. From the depths of our bodies to the food we eat, everything will be filled with glorious bacteria, thriving and enriching our lives. Disclaimer: For those of you who may not have picked up on the subtle overtone of sarcasm in this article, please continue washing your hands and practicing healthy hygiene habits to protect yourself and others from illness. This satire piece is simply for your entertainment and in no way should be taken as actual advice. Happy handwashing!