**Planet Earth, Milky Way** - In an unprecedented display of environmental denial and consummate apathy, humans have once again proven their unwavering commitment to sealing their own doom by continuing to be masters at ignoring Earth's ongoing meltdown. While extreme weather events, rising sea levels, and devastated ecosystems scream excessively obvious warnings, it appears that a generous portion of the planet's population is steadfast in turning a blind eye to the burgeoning catastrophe – an ingenious strategy that has truly set humans apart from the lesser-evolved species who are desperately attempting to adapt and survive. Lead scientists of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change have been increasingly impressed by humanity's unwavering dedication to self-sabotage by demonstrating an unfaltering ability to ignore the evident facts that have been paraded before their eyes for decades. "I find it truly remarkable how Homo sapiens have evolved beyond putting any value on self-preservation and instead continue to stick their heads in the sands of diminishing coastlines," commented Dr. Isla Adams, a leading climatologist. "Not only that, but they excel at utilizing their incredible capacity for cognitive dissonance to deter any constructive action that could have resounding benefits for generations to come." In fact, humans' commitment to apathy has reached unprecedented heights with the institution of the Carbon Emitters Anonymous (CEA). This support group aims to enforce accountability for Earth's meltdown by enabling its members to outsource their feelings of guilt and eco-anxiety through endless discussions on the difficulty of recycling plastic straws. So far, it has been wildly successful in maintaining a carefully balanced status quo of ineffectiveness and inconsequential eco-efforts. Meanwhile, the political landscape, seemingly unperturbed by the ever-present devastation, has managed to consistently prioritize economic growth over environmental conservation. "Clearly, the immediate goal of profit above all else has proven time and time again to be the most important aspect of human society," said an anonymous political analyst as he picked up his takeout lunch nestled in layers of disposable packaging. But humans have demonstrated that dismissing the ecological catastrophe is not enough. By engaging in petty arguments about whether climate change is real and posting tweets ignoring facts, they have strengthened their resolve to remain steadfast in their path of willingly walking toward disaster. This masterclass in dooming our future is not taught in conventional schools but is practiced and shaped through global inaction and, paradoxically, sets the benchmark for the extent of human achievement. As the Earth continues to heat up, melt away, and deteriorate at an alarming rate, it remains to be seen how many more ingenious ways humans can invent to shirk their responsibility in tackling the most defining issue of their time. But given their historic and breathtaking commitment to ignorance, deflection, and stagnation, the experts predict that – as usual – humanity will surprise them with yet another display of their unrivaled talent for self-inflicted annihilation.