In a move that has stunned the scientific community and sent shockwaves through the research world, funding for critical battery research at Moss Landing has been slashed, proving that progress is just a temporary illusion. The announcement came as a surprise to exactly no one, as budget cuts have become an annual tradition in America’s obsession with sudden austerity measures that leave even the most groundbreaking scientists scratching their heads and pondering their next career move—perhaps barista, or even TikTok influencer. As scientists gathered for what they thought would be an important symposium on the future of energy storage, they were instead met with the news that their grant money had been reallocated to the much more pressing need for plush office chairs in the upper echelons of government. "Nothing says innovation quite like a cushioned seat to sit idly while we cut viable environmental solutions," noted Dr. Tina Sparks, who had optimistically arrived with a PowerPoint presentation entitled "Batteries: The Future of Clean Energy—Oh Wait, Just Kidding!" In a jubilant press conference, a government spokesperson elaborated on the decision. "We believe that by redirecting funds away from these pesky scientific pursuits, we can instead focus on more critical issues, such as developing the latest smartphone app to determine what flavor of ice cream will make users feel the least guilty about buying it. After all, have you seen how happy those daily dopamine hits make people? We can't prioritize pesky lithium-ion cells when people need to find their next guilty pleasure.” With the loss of funding, researchers at Moss Landing have now taken on new hobbies, including competitive knitting and underground hide-and-seek, because one must make the most of ample free time. "The batteries can wait," commented Dr. Jared Powercell, who now spends his days orchestrating impromptu meditation sessions in his lab. “After all, nothing says ‘battery breakthrough’ quite like mindfulness and a good stretch.” Meanwhile, environmentalists have raised concerns that this abrupt cut could lead to missed opportunities in battery technology that might save the planet. In response, the government issued a statement claiming, “The planet has waited long enough! It can continue to wait while we live our best lives.” Critics suggest this could lead to increased reliance on fossil fuels, but that’s a sacrifice they’re willing to make for a chic, climate-conscious corporate rebrand. As researchers mourned what could have been a revolutionary leap in technology, they embraced a new era of creative problem solving. “No one can stop us! We are now free to pursue passions like art, interpretive dance, and perhaps even the existential crisis that comes from finding ourselves unemployed!” declared Dr. Sparks, twirling in a flourish of academic despair. And so, Moss Landing researchers face a new chapter in their lives where battery concerns are a distant memory, and failure has never been more liberating. In a land where innovation is only an afterthought, it’s clear the real power source is not in batteries, but in finding joy in the absurdity of life itself—one unfluffy office chair at a time.