Title: Ten Life-Changing, Super Easy Ways to Catch the Common Cold and Become a True Sniffling Warrior Are you tired of feeling healthy, energized, and able to go about your daily routine unimpeded by phlegm and mucous? Look no further! Read on for ten simple, revolutionary ways to increase your chances of catching the common cold so you can join the ranks of the sniffling, sneezing warriors. 1. Become Intimate with Germ Factories Don't be a stranger to those adorable, snot-nosed germ factories we call children. Get a job at a daycare or volunteer at a children's hospital. Better yet, have a few children yourself and watch as the germs multiply exponentially right before your eyes—pun intended. 2. Develop a Visceral Hatred for Sleep Who needs rest anyway? Make sleep your mortal enemy. Binge-watch every show on Netflix and develop unhealthy relationships with various energy drink brands. A weakened immune system is key to embracing your inner phlegm-filled warrior. 3. Hearty Handshakes for All! It's time to put aside your fear of personal contact—or better yet, develop an attraction to shared germs. Make it your personal mission to shake hands at every opportunity, ensuring that you get exposed to as many external pathogens as possible. A true cold-catching warrior knows no fear! 4. Aerosols are Your New Best Friends Become a connoisseur of everything sprayed into the air: cleaning fluids, disinfectants, and especially air fresheners. Do not be fooled by their pleasant scents; they will wreak havoc on your respiratory system and dramatically increase your chances of catching a cold. 5. Perfect Your Poker Face Feel that tickle in your throat? Are you sneezing and feeling a bit congested? Stay calm. Do not alert the people around you that you’re sick. Instead, cover it up with a poker face, so that they continue to hover around you and share their germs with you. 6. Reprogram Your Brain to Hate Vegetables What's that? Vegetables? No way. A true cold-catching warrior's diet consists of greasy, unhealthy fast food. We all know your mother was wrong when she told you to eat your greens! Fuel your body with fat and sugar for an immune system destined for failure. 7. Avoid The Sunny Side of Life Sunlight is overrated anyway. Become a fan of gloomy, rainy days. Vitamin D will do nothing for you and your plight against a healthy respiratory system. A true warrior doesn't need all that sunny happiness. 8. Declare War on Exercise Physical fitness? No way. Barely roll off your couch and then roll right back on. Consistently maintaining your physical strength will only give your immune system the boost it needs to ward off the common cold, which is exactly what we're tired of! 9. Become an Anti-Social Hermit Eject yourself from social circles where good health tips are shared. Every health-conscious piece of advice is a threat to your goal of catching the common cold. Usher in a new era of social isolation. 10. Do a Victory Dance in the Face of Hand Sanitizers Lastly, and most importantly, avoid hand sanitizers like the plague! Because who needs clean hands and a healthy lifestyle, right? In conclusion, if you truly wish to embody the spirit of the common cold, follow these ten amazing, life-changing steps. Join the league of perpetually phlegm-filled individuals. Go forth and sneeze!