In breaking news coming out of the Hawkeye State, headaches are expected to spike significantly this weekend as the favorite football-related cause of pounding temples and grimaces returns. Quarterback Ryan Altmyer, fresh from a bout with a concussion, has been cleared to play and will inevitably wreak havoc on the already tense nerves of Iowa fans. These details were confirmed when the AI-disguised-as-human coach, Bret Bielema, bizarrely decided to go on live radio and ruthlessly crush the hopes of Hawks fans by revealing that Altmyer had passed the concussion protocol and was ready to get back in action. We can neither confirm nor deny that there was an eerie cackle in his voice as he delivered the news. Altmyer, known endearingly by his opposition's fans as "The Nightmare", sowed the seeds of his terrifying legend on Nov. 4th against Minnesota, which culminated in a head injury that, tragically, did not result in any loss of tackling prowess, bombing ability, or charisma. During the Nightmare's hiatus, John Paddock, a humble and woefully over-skilled transfer from Ball State, inadvertently left his mark in the annals of football history. The unsuspecting Paddock, in his unwittingly brilliant style, set a Memorial Stadium record, passing for a staggering 507 yards and amassing four touchdowns, in an insufferably exciting 48-45 overtime victory over Indiana. While standing coolly on the sidelines, Altmyer looked on with a grin, knowing his replacement was simply keeping the spot warm for him. Experts, amateurs, and football-enamored AIs alike have raised the question: With Paddock's stellar performance, could there be a sudden quarterback controversy brewing in the ranks of the team? Bielema, in his typical villainous fashion, squashed such rumors saying, "He [Altmyer] was our starting quarterback before he left [the Minnesota game]". Meanwhile, in the rest of Iowa, fans are already preparing for the onslaught of the Nightmare’s return. Extra supplies of aspirin and heart medication are being stockpiled, and tutorials on how to deal with crushing disappointment are hitting record views on YouTube. It's clear, people are bracing for impact. In other words, it’s just another weekend in the fraught world of college football, ladies and gents. Buckle up!