In a groundbreaking move that has left both climate activists and oil tycoons scratching their heads, a coalition of church leaders announced this week their bold and radical plan to tackle the insatiable greed of fossil fuel magnates through, of all things, prayer. “Why burn fossil fuels when we can light candles?” proclaimed Reverend Bill Harkins, clad in his best plaid suit, as he introduced the initiative during Sunday service. The plan, dubbed “Divine Accountability,” seeks to mobilize congregations across the nation to gather and pray for the repentant souls of billionaire executives lurking in their sprawling mansions, counting profits while the rest of the earth struggles to breathe. The strategy is brilliantly simplistic—each church will designate one Sunday a month as "Greed-Free Day." On this day, parishioners are encouraged to forgo their usual drive to church and instead walk, bike, or even ride horses, because nothing says “Tell those rich guys to stop polluting” like showing up in a pre-Industrial Revolution mode of transport. In a shocking twist of fate, the program has also received support from a prominent oil CEO, who, after hearing the news during a private jet flight to his third vacation home, expressed his gratitude. “It’s refreshing!” he said between sips of organic oat milk. “Less noise about carbon emissions and more divine intervention? Who knew spirituality could ease my conscience? I’ll just write a check after church for my favorite charity—me!” As churches prepare to open their doors wider than ever before—though not in the hope of inclusion, but rather to welcome a more robust tithing—they are also set to roll out new merchandise, including “Greed-Free” T-shirts, reusable straws, and eco-friendly candles that promise even the most skeptical oil mogul might turn a new leaf (or flame). Some critics are skeptical of the plan’s effectiveness, suggesting that only appealing to the divine might not put a dent in the oil industry’s profits. “Prayer and candles? Really?” muttered disgruntled environmental activist Lucy Green. “Have these churches even read the Bible? Jesus flipped tables over greed, not lit candlelit vigils!” In response to the naysayers, Reverend Harkins announced the launch of a new spiritual mentorship program, pairing clergy members with top fossil fuel magnates for monthly “conversion” meetings. “If they can’t be saved through love and scripture, maybe the threat of eternal damnation will do the trick. Pray hard, and they might give up just one of those private jets,” Harkins suggested with hopeful naiveté. As the clergy prepares to descend into the plush neighborhoods of oil tycoons to offer blessings, the nation waits with bated breath. Will divine accountability be the catalyst that encourages the industry to pivot towards renewables? Or is it simply a fool's errand wrapped in holy cloth? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: candles are back in style, and profits will continue to flow while prayers fill the air.