In an unexpectedly and extremely alarming development, the United States Department of 'One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back' Affairs, has deemed that farmworkers, the backbone of America's great food system, just really don’t require clean water. This groundbreaking revelation follows the government's major commitment to "entirely missing the point of human rights and sustainability." The true masters of bureaucracy went through what appears to be a rigorous process to reach this decision. Sources say elevated heart rates were even detected during several games of "Pin the Tail on the Peasant." It seems the agency decided that clean water, after air which they have already successfully polluted, was just too luxurious a commodity for farmworkers. In essence, the families that feed the nation can just forage for random puddles and dews off leaves when thirsty, because, you know, they’re practically part wild, right? "When faced with the choice of pristine, bottled Mount Fiji water, or a puddle - the farmworker will naturally choose the puddle," jokingly commented Linda RightsAbuse, from the Department. "It's just following their biological instincts. We have to respect that and stop forcing them to become too reliant on clean, bacteria-free drinking water." A whispering campaign on the potential benefits of raw water, Steve Job’s flea diet, and all-natural dirt-seasoned meals was also launched. These "benefits," it is claimed, may include mysterious diseases, rampant diarrhea, and the magic ability to book sick leaves without the nuisance of paid time-off. Talk about an unexpected paid vacation! According to a low-level insider who prefers dolls and clown suits, the future plans may involve a significant reduction of basic necessities like sanitation, safe housing, and personal protective equipment. Because safety and dignity, who needs that? The aim is to make farmworkers more in tune with nature by spending hard-earned money on outlandish stuff, like food that isn't full of pesticides. Yum! The news has sparked enthusiasm among some sections – predominantly those deriving pleasure from watching Gladiator-esque battles between humans and germs. Avid watcher, Les Humain, excitedly shared, "It's about time we got some real, gritty action on the field! Who doesn't love a good round of 'Survivor: Farmworker Edition'?" On the bright side, the rest of humanity, equipped with empathy and some basic respect for human rights, has been pushed into recounting the need for clean water. As a result, a renewed drive to rectify this misstep is building. But for now, the 2.5 million farmworkers across America will just have to hold their breath, squint their eyes, and drink from whatever water source they can find, remembering to chew before swallowing any chunky bits. Everybody loves a good crunch with their hydration, doesn’t it?