Title: "How to Increase Your Stress Levels in 5 Easy Steps" Have you ever found your life unbearably calm? Do you sometimes wake up and think, ‘I don't think I’m hyperventilating enough these days’? If so, then it’s great news! Lucky for you, we live in a fast-paced, anxiety-inducing world where upping your stress is as feasible as finding a cat video on the internet. Here, we give you five foolproof ways to skyrocket your stress levels! Disclaimer: This guide is purely satirical. Any resemblance to an actual self-help guide is purely coincidental. 1. Overload Your To-Do List: Only tackling tasks strictly necessary for survival like eating or breathing? That's amateur stuff. Challenge yourself to add at least a hundred new responsibilities to your day. Enroll in an online course you have absolutely no interest in, volunteer for every group project at work, and promise your neighbor you'll walk her five bulldogs - every single day. The goal is to always be in a state of semi-controlled panic. 2. Scrap Your Sleep Schedule: Sleep? Who needs it! Prolonged rest periods are for Zen masters and koalas. Embrace your inner insomniac and make every effort to deprive yourself of sound sleep. Discover the joy of staying awake past midnight, consuming copious amounts of caffeine, and feasting your eyes on screens till the wee hours. Eyes glowing from blue light exposure is a trophy you should aspire for. 3. Ignite The Perfectionist Fire: Good enough? There's no such thing! Remember, perfection is the key. Rewrite that email twenty times and fixate over every punctuation mark in your texts. Also, it's important to zero in on insignificant details, such as the precise alignment of cutlery at the dinner table or a single strand of hair out of place - you're not aiming for Mount Everest, you're aiming for the moon. 4. Isolate Yourself: The pesky good vibes from friends, family, or anyone that provides a sense of connection? Cut them all! They might just infect you with their tranquility. Switch your phone off and avoid any form of human interaction. Remember, you're on a noble quest of solitary self-deterioration. 5. Feed Off Media Panic: Subscribe to every possible news outlet and Twitter feeds. Especially those that specialize in catastrophizing every single matter on planet Earth. The more panic-inducing, the better. Follow these steps and you're well on your way to become a living, breathing bundle of nerves. Of course, the aim is to accentuate the ludicrousness of these points. We hope our light-hearted humor speaks volumes and helps you realize what not to do, which ultimately means prioritizing health, peace of mind, and overall well-being. Not the other way around.