In a stunning display of déjà vu, Wall Street traders are reportedly engaging in ritualistic dances and chants in an attempt to break the ominous fourth-week slump that has gripped U.S. stocks with the tenacity of a toddler holding onto a toy. Despite a rousing 1.9% rally on Friday—equivalent to a slice of pizza being pulled from the oven before it completely well-done—the S&P 500 is still on track to secure its longest losing streak since August. Analysts have noted that this performance is reminiscent of how people repeatedly watch the same Groundhog Day movie, presumably hoping for a different outcome. The index's recent plunge of 10% below its record high has experts scratching their heads while simultaneously covering their investment portfolios with bubble wrap—an unorthodox tactic they believe might ward off the financial misfortunes. "It's a correction," declared one analyst, shrugging off concerns as if they were last week’s laundry. "And besides, corrections are just the stock market’s way of reminding us it’s alive and kicking… and occasionally tripping." Traders were reportedly ecstatic about the mid-day bounce, which felt like a much-needed caffeine boost after a week of market sluggishness, often described by investors as “the Monday that never ended.” The only downside, however, is that the buzz from this uptick may have come from a massive influx of caffeine in the form of espresso, prompting traders to also consider investing in coffee futures as a hedge against their dwindling stocks. As Wall Street grapples with its latest existential crisis, many are finding solace in the belief that, like clockwork, the market will eventually return to its previous highs, much like the belief that Nutella can solve all problems, even if it hasn’t yet addressed their precarious financial standings. In a press conference more chaotic than a toddler’s birthday party, one trader declared with sheer determination, “This is our best day since the day after President Trump's election! Remember how happy we were then?!” His remarks were met with a murmur of agreement, followed swiftly by a series of sighs echoing the collective sentiment of “please, not again.” As traders continue to inflate hopes and expectations resembling a helium balloon, experts agree that the trading floor has now become a sanctuary of optimism mixed with a hint of madness, likely fueled by too many late-night stock analysis YouTube videos. Until the market regains its footing, Wall Street remains trapped in a whimsical loop—bouncing back only to tumble down, once again doomed to relive the same week over and over, like investors caught in an endless cycle of buy, hold, and cry.