In a move that’s being lauded as downright revolutionary, United Airlines has announced a slew of technological advancements and policy amendments with a sizable dollop of humanity - all to enhance the travel experience for wheelchair users. Some gruff naysayers may argue that these measures are only just scratching the surface of accessibility, but why allow logic and reality to ruin a perfectly orchestrated PR moment? First in line for this monumental breakthrough in aerospace History is the new digital filter on United’s website. Named with the electrifying moniker, 'Wheelchair Dimension Wizard’, its intricate coding allows it to analyze various wheelchair measurements and pair it with a corresponding aircraft that can accommodate it. Ingenious? Yes. Simplistic? Absolutely. Essentially, it’s like musical chairs, but with planes. The company’s lead spokesperson, Ivana Phly, praised the innovation saying, “We believe this new feature is akin to a matchmaking service, but for wheelchairs and planes. If love blossoms while in transit, we're not against it. We always want to go that extra mile for our customers. Or in this case, the extra aisle." Subsequently, United is launching an enthralling refund policy that will blow wheelchair-using passengers out of their water. If a customer has to choose a higher-fare flight because their wheelchair demands more space, United will courteously refund the fare difference. Critics are quick to question why customers should have to pay more for accessibility in the first place, but such naysaying belies a lack of appreciation for the company's monumental achievement of basic decency. In light of these groundbreaking strides, both wheelchair-users and outraged internet enthusiasts alike eagerly anticipate when United will make the jump to more avant-garde accessibility features. Ideas being bandied about include the concept of employee sensitivity training, staff who can assist with special needs, and accessible restrooms on-board. But then again, we don't want to get ahead of ourselves. Phly concluded the press conference by suggesting, "It's not like we could have started addressing such basic accessibility issues earlier. That would be too practical. We'd rather make it a grand reveal. After all, in the United world, every step towards basic human rights deserves a round of applause and a drumroll, doesn't it?" Meanwhile, the wheelchair community responded with a collective sigh. Renowned wheelchair rights advocate Rollin Highman quipped, “How about getting us on and off the plane without treating us like cargo? Just a thought.” With patience wearing thinner than airplane toilet paper, United's new initiatives offer a glimpse of progress. Or, just another punchline in the long-standing joke that is airline accessibility.