In a move that prompted fears of a nationwide shortage of amateur musicians mangling Nirvana covers, the Music Venues Trust today launched an emergency appeal to Chancellor Jeremy Hunt. They pleaded with the government to help save the UK's crumbling grassroots music venues. "The situation is desperate," sobbed Mark Lewis, the lead guitarist of an unsigned band with only 13 songs in their repertoire, all originals and all sharing the same three chords. "Without nightclubs to play in, where else are we going to regale indifferent audiences with our unique blend of ska-inspired grunge gospel?" The Music Venues Trust claims the grassroots music sector is in a "full-blown crisis," with venues getting boarded up faster than you can say 'recycled beer coasters'. With government attention more focused on surviving Brexit, the ongoing war for the Iron Throne and figuring out how to work with a fussy internet, music venues have been pushed aside like a one-hit-wonder band's second album. Jeremy Hunt, himself a self-confessed lover of the spicy chicken wings from a grassroots venue up his street, was apparently moved to near silence by the letter. He eventually promised "immediate action" - which seems to involve him carefully filing the urgent letter in his 'pending' drawer. The Chancellor then set up a 'think tank' to address the issue, consisting of two interns - one of whom thought 'New Order' was a takeaway food app and the other who once owned a ukulele. Celebrity supporters of grassroots venues include Pete Doherty, who commented that without them, "there just wouldn't be enough rundown toilets for me to pass out in." Meanwhile, Elton John was said to be considering selling one of his many sequinned jackets to fund a campaign to save the remaining venues. While the crisis shakes the nation, local councils appear to have been unmoved by the plight of the grassroots sector. When questioned, a local councillor simply shrugged and muttered something about "too many tribute bands". On a brighter note, people living near these venues are reportedly relieved at the prospect of quieter nights, although sales of acoustic foam insulation and earplugs are expected to plummet. Failure to tackle this issue could see dire consequences for the UK music scene. Where else will future chart toppers serve their apprenticeships but in these dimly-lit, beer-soaked proving grounds? The shower? Please, that's just for shampoo endorsements. The world waits to see if the UK government will strike the right chord and act to save the grassroots music venues. But if nothing else, at least they can count on winning 'Best Supporting Actor' in the tragedy unfolding in the country's music scene.