In a groundbreaking initiative to quench Texas's unyielding thirst and tackle the state’s ever-growing water crisis, local politicians are proposing an innovative solution: drinking oilfield waste. Dubbed “Liquid Gold,” this new beverage promises to simultaneously refresh residents and rescue the ailing oil industry, which has been struggling to maintain its relevance with the rise of solar panels and electric cars. “Why waste perfectly good oilfield waste when we can repackage it—literally—into something people can consume?” boasted Congressman Slimmy D. Wells during a press conference held at a truck stop diner, surrounded by a tableau of muddy pick-up trucks and the intoxicating aroma of fried everything. “We’re turning black gold into liquid gold. It’s the Texan way!” The proposal, which has already sparked a passionate debate among upscale car wash owners and flat-earth conspiracy theorists, suggests that the residue from oil extraction—previously regarded as toxic and hazardous—could be filtered, flavored, and marketed as a health drink. “If you can drink coconut water, you can definitely handle some fracking fluid,” Wells added, confidently taking a swig from a dubious-looking tin can labeled "Texas Tea: Now with Extra Crunch." As supporters clamor for the new drink, scrawled slogans like “I Drank Oilfield Waste and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” have begun to appear across the state. Detractors, however, are less than thrilled. “It’s just putting a new label on disaster,” said local bartender and dubious microbiologist Rod “Skeeter” Mulligan. “First they came for the water, now they’re coming for our taste buds! What’s next? Deep-fried crude oil patties?” Meanwhile, scientists and environmentalists have voiced concerns about the potential health risks of consuming the concoction. Dr. Juliette “Juice” Miller, an eminent biochemist with a suspiciously strong Texas accent, shrugged off their worries. “Sure, there are a few heavy metals in oilfield waste, but have you tried kale? It’ll kill you slow!” she exclaimed, sharing a knowing laugh with the crowd gathered around her wooden food truck, which—coincidentally—served a kale salad and crude oil drizzle. Makers of Liquid Gold promise a unique blend of oilfield byproducts, making every sip a surprise. “You might get a hint of diesel or a pop of methyl ethyl death,” Chief Oil Chemist Buck “Rhett” Penn shouted from an industrial-looking blender behind him. “We embrace the chaos! It’s what characterizes being Texan.” When asked about the ethical implications of promoting a product made from toxic waste, he replied, “What are ethics anyway? Our forefathers drank whiskey, and look how that turned out!” Local mosques have already begun raising funds to combat the oil waste menace by bottling the ‘concoction’ and distributing it to nearby states. “If I have to taste this, I want it to be good enough for everyone,” said one mosque leader. “It’s only fair.” As Texas approaches the critical summer months, where temperatures soar and swimming pools run dry, residents are left wondering: will the idea of drinking oilfield waste really take off? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for certain: it’s one hell of a way to stay hydrated, especially when you don’t mind the unique aftertaste of petrochemicals—or the existential crisis that accompanies it. Who needs water when you have Liquid Gold?