In a shocking turn of events that has left the academic world abuzz, Tufts University has unveiled its newest enrollment policy aimed at ensuring student compliance: federal custody for those who dare to stray from the straight and narrow! This bold move comes on the heels of a recent incident where an unnamed international student found themselves in a rather tight predicament—literally. On Tuesday, just as the sun dipped below the horizon and the scent of midterm panic filled the air, campus security reported that a student was apprehended outside an off-campus apartment building. Not due to noise complaints or suspiciously long coffee breaks, mind you, but because their visa had mysteriously been “terminated.” Cue gasps of disbelief from the Tufts community and perhaps a few cheeky whispers of “what did they do—breathe too loud?” University president, Sunil Kumar, took to email in an attempt to quell the rising tide of panic, stating, "We are seeking to confirm whether that information is true." What a powerful statement of action! Nothing says “we’ve got your back” quite like a nice round of bureaucratic fingers-crossed optimism. Students were immediately prompted to check their visa statuses, a task that is likely as thrilling as watching paint dry. “This is a clear win for compliance,” exclaimed an over-enthusiastic member of the administration during a hastily arranged press conference. “As part of our new policy, stellar academics will now also be measured by your ability to dodge federal custody! Who says higher education can’t be an exhilarating game of ‘who’s got the paperwork?’” Meanwhile, Tufts students are mixing up their study groups with informational sessions on “How to Befriend the ICE Agents” and “Strategies for Expediting Your Legal Documentation.” Because nothing says scholarship like fearing the knock at the door! In a surprising twist, speculation has arisen that the university might introduce new majors such as “Federal Compliance Studies” and “Visa Negotiation Tactics.” Only time will tell if these programs can rival the wildly popular “Underwater Basket Weaving” in terms of enrollment. Students are taking to social media in droves, with hashtags like #NotInACriticalCondition and #StudentVisaSurvivalGuide trending in no time. Expect a new addition to the Tufts mascot—perhaps a friendly ICE officer in a jaunty cap? The situation remains fluid, and it seems there’s only one way to find out if this initiative will survive: stay in school, play by the rules, and hope that the next email from administration comes with good news rather than a side of apprehension. Who knew higher education would come to this—one degree away from a federal prison break?