In a bold new move that has left diplomats and economists scratching their heads, President Trump announced that the European Union would face an immediate 10% tariff on all imported pastries, citing an urgent need to curb "the dangerous influx of croissants into America." In a press conference held in the Rose Garden, flanked by basketfuls of doughnuts, Trump declared, "We have to protect our breakfast! Nobody wants our kids growing up thinking that a fancy French pastry is a legitimate option for their morning meal." The tariff, inspired by fears that European pastries could lead to a rise in diabetes and an insatiable cravings for gourmet brunches, is now officially on the table. "We're not going to let these fluffy treats take over our hard-working American kitchens," Trump remarked, gesturing dramatically at the bewildered chefs behind him who were trying to figure out how to turn the donuts into a croissant-proof recipe. Meanwhile, China is experiencing a unique twist in this trade ballet. The administration is discussing a 10% punitive duty on all imports of Chinese-made goods, claiming that the "fentanyl crisis" has somehow spiraled into a global pastry crisis, asserting that “flourishes of fentanyl are being delivered via coded shipments of dim sum.” Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany elaborated that “any dumpling that comes from China could very well be stuffed with fentanyl” — a statement that raised eyebrows at the recently concluded dumpling festival. As the financial markets held their breath and traded in their traditional panic for cookies that were apparently tariff-free, European leaders began contemplating a Yoga Summit to find inner peace amid the chaos. "We may not be able to import our pastries, but we can import our yoga instructors,” quipped EU spokesperson, “and who knows? Maybe we can negotiate the tariff down with some good poses.” Critics have dubbed Trump’s latest tariff threats as nothing more than a “Tariff Tango” — a chaotic dance that sees the U.S. swinging wildly in one direction while attempting to keep its balance amid rising imports from both the EU and China. “If we start taxing flour, next thing you know, we’re going to have tariffs on air,” a disgruntled economist lamented, as he attempted to calculate the price of oxygen per breath. As the story unfolds, one thing is clear: while the EU prepares to combat the pastry crisis, China is already reframing dumplings as "the new weapon in the trade war," and American brunch-goers everywhere are stockpiling avocado toast for what may become the ultimate breakfast stand-off.