In a bold move that can only be described as a masterclass in economic strategy, former President Donald Trump has ushered in a new era of "Tariff Tango" with his recent 25 percent tariffs on metals imported from, well, everywhere. The announcement has sent shockwaves through the international trading community and prompted a collective eye-roll from American consumers who will now be paying $40 for a can of tuna—if they can find it at all. "Why keep things simple when you can make them complicated?" Trump declared at a press conference, surrounded by a cadre of cheering steelworkers clad in "Make Metal Great Again" hats. "These tariffs are just the thing to bolster our domestic industry—like giving a giraffe a new tie because it's suddenly 'the fashion.'" Trump went on to assert that the rise in prices is a small price to pay for "America First," as he held up a sparkling can of Coca-Cola that, thanks to the new tariffs, now contains more inflation than soda. Car manufacturers are bracing for impact, predicting an inevitable increase in car prices. "I mean, why wouldn't you want to pay an extra $5,000 for that electric car?" said one enthusiastic auto executive. "If you think about it, it's just the American way of investing in our economy—one overpriced vehicle at a time!" Environmentalists are having a field day, accusing Trump of turning aluminum into the new gold standard—the kind of gold that no one can afford to buy anymore. Solar panel manufacturers have also expressed their concern as tariffs burden their already delicate materials, suggesting that “going solar” may soon be synonymous with “going broke.” Meanwhile, grocery stores nationwide have begun implementing a new “Tariff Tax” section, leaving shoppers puzzled at the checkout. “Is this the price of avocados or just an inflationary greeting card?” one bewildered consumer pondered while clutching a shopping cart full of overpriced beans. Analysts are warning that the tariffs could slow not just the economy but also trends like brunch, which is, let’s be honest, a vital part of American culture. In a surprising twist, several politicians have begun to champion “Tariff-Free Tuesdays” in an effort to woo votes, though many wonder how long the initiative will last when they realize they can't afford to support any kind of Tuesday—tariffs or not. As the nation rallies to grasp the implications of Trump's trade strategy, experts agree on one thing: the new normal is that your bank account will be feeling a bit emptier, just like the shelves in your local store. So stock up on all those items now, because at this rate, playing Monopoly may soon be the only way to collect metal without incurring tariffs.