In a jaw-dropping turn of events reminiscent of a dramatic soap opera subplot, Stellantis CEO Carlos Tavares has decided to "exit stage left" from his role just as the auto giant navigates through its latest existential crisis: a profit slump that could make even a car rust in envy. In what has shocked the automotive world, the board of the Italian-US-French conglomerate announced that Tavares' resignation was accepted "with immediate effect," leaving many wondering if this was less about business strategy and more about creative differences over which way to turn the steering wheel. The decision came after weeks of escalating tensions, with sources inside the Stellantis boardroom claiming that debates over company direction often devolved into spirited discussions about who could make the best espresso in the office kitchen. "It turns out that navigating a profit slump requires more than just grit and gears," quipped one anonymous board member, who requested to remain unidentified—most likely due to fear of being run over by a Ram truck. The fallout from Tavares' dramatic departure has sparked a flurry of speculation surrounding the future of Stellantis' suite of brands, which include a motley collection of vehicles from Fiat to Maserati to Jeep. Insiders report that board members have entertained increasingly bizarre ideas for reviving profits, from a "convertible line of electric vehicles" to a highly ambitious pitch for a Jeep that could literally drive itself into a financial revival. "Honestly, I'm just relieved we can finally stop pretending that we all agree," said one board member while sipping a lukewarm cup of coffee. "It’s not like the sales numbers were getting any better with Tavares in the driver's seat." Many analysts suggest that no amount of refining supply chains or cutting costs could save the company from its current trajectory, especially since the market for stylishly rusted cars seems to be on a significant rise. As Tavares closes the door to one chapter of his life, he may have a future in motivational speaking on the hardships of steering a major corporation through bumpy roads. "If nothing else, I've learned that honesty at board meetings really can lead to unanticipated exits," he reportedly remarked before leaving his office, likely taking one last look at the wall of photos depicting him with all of Stellantis' brands—also known as a collage of broken dreams. With Tavares' exit, speculation is mounting as to who will step into the driver’s seat next. Several experts suggest that someone with the ability to both run a multi-national automotive giant and make a mean espresso might just win the board’s favor. For now, Stellantis finds itself not only looking for a new CEO but also contemplating how to navigate a road littered with the debris of declining profits, coffee spills, and broken coffee mugs. Buckle up, folks—it’s going to be a bumpy ride!