In a stunning display of athletic prowess and reflexes that could make a cheetah jealous, Atletico Madrid's Alexander Sorloth established a new record in LaLiga, scoring a hat-trick in just 11 minutes and leaving Real Sociedad’s defense looking like a team of traffic cones. If anyone thought football was a team sport, Sorloth’s performance was a stark reminder that some days, it's really just about him and his laser-focused mission to make defenders question their career choices. Coach Diego Simeone, who could barely contain his excitement, took to the post-match press conference to praise his rampant striker. “I was very happy with the team's first half in general. Alex, of course, is a whole different matter,” Simeone declared, as the sound of a thousand sportscasters typing "Sorloth-tion" echoed through the media room, with desperate attempts to create new job roles in response to his brilliance. Rumors are circulating that Atletico Madrid is considering opening a "Sorloth Academy," seeking "Sorloth-tion" experts to train future players on how to penetrate defenses with the finesse of a ninja on roller skates. Interested applicants are encouraged to demonstrate their ability to score four goals in rapid succession or, at the very least, outrun a security guard. Sorloth's rapid-fire performance sparked not only jubilation in the Atletico camp but also confusion and despair among the Sociedad squad, whose defenders reportedly spent the rest of the match trying to determine whether they were up against a world-class striker or a supernatural being sent to haunt their dreams. "We didn't just play poorly," lamented Sociedad’s coach. "We were haunted. That was an unholy display of goal-scoring." As the journalists packed up their notes, they speculated on whether Sorloth would be eligible to run for president after single-handedly leading his team to victory, with recommendations already pouring in. “This performance deserves recognition beyond football,” one sports commentator said, with others chiming in about how the Norwegian’s hat-trick might just have elevated him into the ranks of global leaders. At the end of the day, fans flocked to social media, where hashtags like #SorlothForPresident and #AtleticoSorlothStadium trended worldwide. One fan even suggested that naming a new wing of the stadium after Sorloth might actually give upcoming strikers some much-needed "Sorloth-tion." So here's to Alexander Sorloth: the man who scored four goals in the blink of an eye—leaving the rest of LaLiga pondering their very existence and, surely, whether penning their resignation letters would be more prudent than facing him again next season.