In a dramatic twist in the ongoing saga of corporate responsibility, the Dutch oil giant Shell has found itself under fire—quite literally—from a valiant contingent of local activists armed with eco-friendly glitter and an unshakeable resolve. The activists, who call themselves the “Green Guardians of the Netherlands,” have taken to the streets, adorned in costumes made entirely of recycled plastic straws and repurposed bubble wrap, demanding that Shell hang up its drill and embrace a future powered solely by wind, sunshine, and an abundance of wishful thinking. As the sun shone down on the lively protests outside Shell’s headquarters in The Hague, chants of “Drill, baby, drill? No thanks, we’re going green!” echoed through the air. The activists waved hand-painted banners crafted from old campaign signs, while handing out pamphlets titled “From Oil to Olestra: A Guide to Transitioning Your Carbon Footprint into a Positive Vibe.” Not far off, a group of high school students had organized a friendly barbecue—complete with plant-based burgers and “Shell Shocked” mocktails—encouraging protestors to come together for a cause while ironically grilling on a propane grill. “It’s all about reducing our carbon footprint, but we also need to keep the barbecue vibe alive,” said one student, donning a T-shirt proclaiming “I’d rather be saving the planet than flipping burgers.” The leader of the Green Guardians, a self-proclaimed eco-warrior with a penchant for dramatic speeches, stood atop a makeshift platform made from salvaged pallets, rallying the crowd with an impassioned plea: “Let’s make Shell feel the pressure! If they can drill into oil reserves, surely we can drill into their sense of morality!” The crowd erupted in applause, which, given the amount of hot air expended, might very well have contributed to the greenhouse gas effect momentarily. What’s more, Shell spokesperson Fiona Righton elegantly sidestepped all questions about the protests during a company conference camouflaged under a conveniently timed “sustainability awareness seminar.” “We value youth engagement in climate discussions,” she said, presumably while adjusting her 100-percent-petroleum-sourced handbag, “and we’re always open to listening to the chorus of voices calling for change... as long as they don’t interfere with our profits.” Meanwhile, to further bolster their façade of cooperation, Shell announced a new initiative called “Project Greenwashing”—a three-pronged plan where they would “invest” in wind and solar power while simultaneously drilling for oil in the Arctic and South American rainforests. “It’s all about balance,” Righton explained. Scores of journalists were left visibly confused, nodding along as the numbers didn’t seem to add up, just like the electric car emissions “offset” promises made by the company. As news of the protests spread like wildfire—though perhaps less virulent than a small oil spill—the Dutch government was quick to jump into the fray, releasing a hastily penned statement explaining that they fully supported the activists but, you know, jobs are jobs. What’s a little oil extraction in the face of national employment rates? With that, the Green Guardians vowed to organize a second protest, which they dubbed “The Shell-ectric Dance,” featuring vegan snacks and a DJ spinning tracks about the perils of corporate greed. Who knew activism could be such a great time? “Let them drill,” said one bright-eyed activist, twirling her sparkly water bottle while dancing along to a catchy tune about saving the planet—“at least we’ll make a good TikTok out of it!” In the end, Shell’s popularity may take a hit, but as long as there are eco-friendly glitter bombs and electric dance parties, one thing remains clear: the planet may be teetering on the brink of disaster, but there’s certainly no shortage of enthusiasm—or irony—when it comes to hugging it back to health.