In a bold move that has shocked at least three environmentalists and one concerned pet owner, Shell has announced a comprehensive crackdown on environmental protests, stating that legal shields are now fully charged and operational. The oil giant, previously known for its eco-friendly image—mostly on paper—is flipping the script to assert its dominance over those pesky protesters who keep interrupting the flow of black gold. "In a world where our customers demand low prices and high profits, we simply can’t afford to let a handful of tree-huggers disrupt our operations," announced Shell CEO Eugenious Greed. With the fervor of a soccer mom at a bake sale, Greed laid out the company’s new ‘Protest Protection Policy.’ Under these new guidelines, environmental activists will be met with the full wrath of the law, including hefty fines, imaginary charges, and the distinct possibility of being put on a watchlist alongside unlicensed bubble wrap manufacturers. In a shocking twist, Shell has decided that their new legal framework is inspired by some of the world’s toughest regimes. "If it’s good enough for places where dissent is obsolete, surely it’ll work here!" Greed continued, sporting a shirt that read “We’re Not Scared of You” in bold, glittery letters. The initiative has seen the company collaborating with legal firms equipped with overqualified lawyers freshly out of a corporate law school, making it a genuine David versus Goliath story—if David were a plucky billionaire and Goliath had a million-dollar legal team. “We’re all about fighting for what’s right,” said a Shell spokesperson while accidentally stepping on an oil-slicked cardboard sign protesting fossil fuels. “And what’s right is our bottom line.” Protesters, however, remain undeterred. Gathering under the unyielding gaze of a massive “Protect Our Planet” banner, they have vowed to continue their actions—provided they work within the tight schedule of their 9-to-5 jobs. "Okay, so if we can manage to shut down this pipeline at 7 AM before work, and have the sign-making sessions on weekends, we should be good," said local activist Helen Greenlight, her voice dripping with optimism that surpassed logic. As Shell rolls out its shiny new global PR campaign, "Keep Calm and Drill On," the oil giant is undoubtedly backpedaling on its previous commitment to reducing carbon emissions by 2050—now aspirationally adjusted to “whenever we feel like it.” Unfortunately, those pesky carbon footprints just seem to multiply faster than the company’s profits. In closing, Shell previews its future plans at a lavish gala held in a refinery, blending velvet ropes with crude oil pumps. “We’re not just fighting for our future; we’re fighting for yours too!” Greed boomed. “We’ll even throw in complimentary gas masks for the first fifty protesters who show up—we believe everyone deserves a chance to breathe... just not really for free.” And with that, the curtain falls on the show, leaving only a smoky haze in the air—a fitting representation of the industry and its tender disregard for both the planet and the folks who want a chance to save it.