In a stunning display of bureaucratic prowess, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is preparing for a thorough house cleaning, leaving many wondering if "cleaning house" will involve mops, brooms, or a set of corporate lawyers. In an exclusive interview, a whistleblower from within the agency has bravely stepped forward to warn the world—specifically, the one that still believes in science. The insider, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being purged from the agency’s climate control room and forced to drink bottled water out of plastic straws, claims that the EPA is about to embark on a ruthless elimination of employees, funding, and, most importantly, common sense. “It’s like Thanos showed up at the office picnic and just snapped his fingers,” the ex-insider lamented, while diligently mixing their own compost using the remains of old regulatory guidelines. Sources within the agency have confirmed that management is actively seeking to "streamline operations," which in government parlance typically means cutting corners, gutting budgets, and, of course, working harder to turn a blind eye to pollution. “We’re trying to make the job easier for industry by making it harder for us to do our jobs,” one current EPA employee said, adding, “It’s like a game of musical chairs, but the music is the sound of chainsaws.” Rumors of budget cuts and staff reductions have reached a fever pitch, with some employees packing up their desks as if they were preparing for the apocalypse. “You never know when a new environmental policy could drop, and then BAM! You’re out of a job and left to fend for yourself on the barren plains of the free market,” one worker noted, while carefully placing environmental impact statements into the recycling bin—quite the ironic act, given the looming budget constraints. Meanwhile, the agency’s advisory panels have begun to resemble a cast of reality TV stars rather than expert scientists. “We’re now taking recommendations for our new advisory board from Twitter users and TikTok influencers,” an anonymous source inside the agency quipped. “Because who needs peer-reviewed studies when you can have someone who can do a mean dance to ‘Baby Shark’ narrate your climate reports?” With the public largely focused on trending hashtags and whether pineapple truly belongs on pizza, the EPA's latest moves may go unnoticed, much like an underappreciated species fighting for its life against an avalanche of regulatory rollback. “We’re going wall-to-wall with these decisions,” said an EPA spokesperson, who could only be heard over the sound of crashing waves from the nearby shore, reportedly uncluttered by oil spills thanks to budget reallocations. As the EPA gears up for this “clean house” initiative, environmentalists have taken to social media to voice their concerns, with hashtags like #MakeItDustyAgain gaining traction. But just as any good dystopian narrative would suggest, the clock is ticking, and the odds are not in favor of nature. The only question that remains is whether anyone will notice when the last tree falls in silence—or if we’ll all just be too busy looking for the latest viral dance challenge to care. So, in the spirit of optimism, raise a glass of water (preferably not from plastic) to the brave few who still believe in the impossible: that one day, agencies like the EPA might focus more on safeguarding the environment than on creating a perfect storm for industry deregulation. Cheers to the brave new world of magic tricks and disappearing acts—where the greatest illusion of all is the faint hope of an environmentally conscious future.