Iowa pollster Ann Selzer has found herself at the center of a whirlwind—again. After her latest poll placed Vice President Kamala Harris ahead of President-elect Donald Trump in Iowa by three points, the pollster has become the unlikely hero of a Republican-narrative conspiracy theory. In an astonishing display of resilience, Selzer declared at a recent press conference, "Being accused of a crime is just how I roll!" Dressed in a bold outfit emblazoned with polling data and surrounded by an entourage of bewildered interns, Selzer addressed a crowd that had gathered to dissect the results of her "infamous" poll. "Critics have tried to bring me down, but I regard their skepticism as a badge of honor!" she exclaimed, clearly amused. "After all, what’s a good poll without a little controversy?" As she flicked through slides showing her polling methodology which included the groundbreaking formula of asking 100 people, Selzer laughed heartily when asked about the backlash. "Did you expect Trump to actually lose in Iowa? It's practically his backyard barbecue! But maybe I accidentally dialed the wrong number and spoke to 'The Real Iowa'—you know, the one that actually likes pineapple on pizza." Naysayers, including a group of local farmers armed with pitchforks, have flooded social media with hashtags like #PollsterPanic and #SelzerIsSilly. When one irate farmer shouted from the crowd, “How could Kamala possibly be leading? We’d rather vote for corn!” Selzer responded with a wink, “Let’s check back in a few months; maybe I can get 'Corn 2024' on the ballot!” In a bizarre turn of events, Trump himself took to Twitter, stating, “What's next, polls showing aliens in charge of the White House? Sad!” to which Selzer retaliated with her own tweet: “Well, at least aliens might have a better grasp of the climate crisis than some folks!” Despite the tidal wave of criticism, Selzer remains unfazed. “Polls are like weather forecasts. Just because it’s snowing doesn’t mean we believe everyone is hibernating!” Ultimately, she reassured the public, “If you don’t like my results, remember: This is Iowa. We’re just here to create the most dramatic turns of events since 'The Bachelor.'” As the saga continues, analysts have begun speculating about Selzer's next move. Rumors suggest a partnership with alternative media champions who claim they can predict future trends based on the behavior of star signs. "All I know," Selzer concluded, "is that I’ll keep rolling with the punches—and maybe throw in a few haymakers of my own."